


The Road Trip

by my_happy_little_bean



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: (implied) - Freeform, (up for interpretation) - Freeform, Character Death, Human AU, M/M, Platonic Relationship, Road Trips, Romantic Relationship, all philosophical for no reason and shit :'), friendship/romance, logicality - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-01
Updated: 2020-08-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:56:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 20,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25639876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/my_happy_little_bean/pseuds/my_happy_little_bean
Summary: From the day you were born, a mandatory appointment to the Clinic is made for you so that by the time you turn 21, you know when you are going to die. For some—the lucky ones—they are promised a lifetime to explore everything life has to offer. But for others, life is taken away as quickly as it is given.Patton Morgan isn’t one of the lucky ones.Given only a week to live, Patton latches onto a chance encounter with Logan Fray—a complete stranger with the same fate as him—and decides to spend his final moments exploring what it is like to truly live, die, and be human. To do this, he takes a leap of faith and joins Logan on one of the most human adventures one can have: a road trip.
Relationships: Logic | Logan Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders
Comments: 21
Kudos: 37
Collections: Storytime! 2020





	1. Epilogue

**Author's Note:**

> a/n - hello, friends! it is i, here with my submission for the 2020 ts-storytime big bang! i want to say that i've always thought about writing a story like this but in reality, i grew to like this story as it was being written! you were going to get some other sci fi moral dilemma story but alas, you get this instead — the same story, just not sci fi lol. i guess i only write one (1) genre and it's existential #deep shit (tm) + people are dying also :p
> 
> the warmest thanks to mel (@bangthekobrakid) for being such a wonderful beta! catchin all my dumb mistakes and also being the sweetest cheerleader, even during the times when i didn't like the story i wrote :') also thanks to puma and worm (@wisepuma23 & socialbookworm [ao3]) for reading this over too, as well as for reassuring me that i'm not a shit writer and for being such wonderful friends <3
> 
> and big thanks to ava (@lemonyellowlogic / lemonyellow406 [ao3]) for making me not one, not two, but F I V E pieces of art !! she brought so many moments in this story to life with such clever and pretty art and i'm always going to be thankful for it! you'll see her art sprinkled throughout the story, but check her tumblr (or mine!) to see all the art in one post :)
> 
> finally, a big shoutout to @ts-storytime and anyone who was apart of organizing such an amazing event! i'm so excited to see what everyone has in store, but i'm glad i got to meet so many people along the way. this story would not be complete without the help from all these wonderful individuals, and for that i'm so so so grateful.
> 
> anyway! i will let you get to the story now, haha. it's all up now so grab a cup of tea and enjoy ~

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> patton finds out and then, finds logan. (or, the beginning of the end.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter warnings: talks about upcoming death, vomiting (brief & non descriptive), passing out, swearing, alcohol consumption

Patton Morgan closed the door behind him   
and took one long, deep breath. 

_That wasn’t so bad_ , he thought as he pushed up his glasses. 

And he was pretty much right. It _wasn’t_ that bad, especially given what he’s heard from all his friends about this place. He would always listen to their stories the day after their 21st birthdays with a racing heart, watching as they broke down in either happy tears or devastated ones. In both cases, they made it seem like their Doctors made a whole, cruel show of it.

But all they did was sit him down, looked through his files, and told him. 

And he was going to have to know eventually. 

_Everyone_ has to know eventually. 

Patton gritted his teeth as if trying to force a smile. _It wasn’t bad. None of this is bad._

He walked down the hallway slowly. He walked past doors that were cracked slightly open, with quiet sobs and angry murmurs floating out of them. He heard a door open next to him and before he knew it, two people bolted past him. They knocked into Patton’s shoulders trying to chase each other. 

Lots of crying. Patton frowned, almost resentfully; _pretty_ _typical for this place._

He stared ahead, watching as the two people made it down the hall and turned the corner. He assumed they left the Clinic judging by the loud, hollow slam of the front door. 

He then looked to the door that had opened and caught a glimpse of a man in a white coat, sitting still at his desk and looking at papers on a clipboard. 

The man suddenly stood up, taking off his coat and grabbing a brown, leather messenger bag as he walked towards the door. Startled, Patton took a step forward, moving out of sight and staring straight ahead as if he were a deer trapped in headlights.

As he heard the man walk out of the room and leave behind him, he felt as if there was a ringing in his ear; which was when he realized that he couldn’t quite feel his hands. 

Patton looked down at them, almost quizzically. 

They were clenched up, his nails digging into his palms. He held them up in front of him and concentrated– _really_ concentrated– on them. 

They didn’t even feel like they were _his._

And then, he felt a hand on his shoulder. 

"Mr. Morgan?” Patton blinked and turned around to see his Doctor standing behind him. He cleared his throat. 

“Um– yes. Hi.” His voice sounded so distant. Even his own heartbeat sounded closer; in fact, it was all he could really hear.

The Doctor’s sympathetic smile made his blood run cold.

“You dropped your wallet in my office.” Patton looked down to see that yes, she was offering him his wallet. He didn’t even realize its absence in his pocket. 

“Oh.” He took it slowly, not looking at her. (Everything suddenly felt so slow; so sluggish.) “Er, thank you.” 

“Of course.” Her smile didn’t seem as sympathetic anymore; it just felt forced, like she was playing some character.

“You know, Mr. Morgan, I understand that the news you received was...well, not ideal.”

Patton didn’t even feel like he had the energy to stop her from talking. Instead, he just numbly nodded as she began to lead him down the hall. Each step felt like he was staggering forward into a hot, dry desert.

“You know,” she continued, “there are a lot of people going through the exact same experience as you.” 

_I’m sure there is, Doctor,_ Patton thought resentfully. _That’s_ **_such_ ** _good news._

He was squeezing his wallet now. He tried his best to stuff it and his shaky, shaky hands back in his pocket.

“I can recommend a multitude of resources that can help you in this difficult time. There’s a group meeting next Sunday, they accept new members every month. Not to mention the possibility of becoming a Doctor, giving you the gift of more–”

“That’s quite alright,” Patton said, reaching the end of the hall. He didn’t have the heart to remind her that he didn’t even have until Sunday. And he didn’t have the energy to scream at her for the last suggestion. 

_A gift._ He clenched his jaw. He didn’t need to _make_ new time for himself. He just wanted to convince them that there had to be some time– _any time_ – left in the world for _him._

The Doctor kept looking at him as if looking at a lost puppy. That was when Patton suddenly became too aware that he was just standing there, speaking loudly and staring into space, in front of an entire waiting room of people who all probably had it worse.

And they were all staring at him.

He then looked at the Doctor. Her hair was tied back in a neat, brown ponytail, and she wore a small button on her white coat that said “Ask me about the Procedure!”, as if smugly dangling the idea in front of him.

She looked too _perfect_ ;  
a mere shell of a human, frozen in time,

_and so full of life._

Then, a bitter thought: _You’re_ **_never_ ** _going to go through this._

“Have a good day, Doctor,” he gritted out, the air growing thin enough that it escaped through his teeth. He didn’t even turn to acknowledge her when she morbidly said “Take care” as he walked away. Part of him wanted to, though — make a scene, maybe throw a chair at her. 

_I can do things like that now_ , he thought, _because what does it matter, anyway?_

And, as if a switch flickered in his brain, he stumbled out of the clinic and towards the nearest trash can he could see to throw up.

He felt himself sweat and shake, holding onto its cold, metal edge as if it was the last real thing he was ever going to hold. 

When he felt like he was done, he made his way towards the parking lot, hoping to get to the bus station on the other side without being sick again. 

But it was no use. His vision was suddenly blurry, and he felt as if the pavement was slowly being flipped upside down. 

Patton went to the car closest to him, and leaned against it, doubling over and holding onto his stomach. He could feel himself breathing _loudly, as if there wasn’t any air in the world left for him and–_

* * *

Patton woke up in the passenger seat of a car he didn’t own. 

His first instinct was to scream, but he felt a cold hand on his shoulder and his entire body froze. He could feel his breathing start to pick up again. 

“You’re awake,” a new voice floated into his ears, which were still receiving any and all noise as faded murmurs. 

“I imagine that the situation you find yourself in is rather daunting and confusing,” the voice continued, “but I would ask that you try your best to remain calm.”

Patton blinked, trying to clear the lines from his vision. He pushed his glasses up and turned his head to see a man wearing glasses as well; though his were darker, more square than his light brown ones. His hair was dark brown and slick back, other than the strands that fell across the side of his face. He wore a black polo shirt, with a navy blue tie rested on top of it.

“Who…” He coughed, his own voice sounding so foreign in his mouth. The man frowned, fishing through his bag before pulling out a water bottle. He offered it up to him. 

“I will answer your questions as you drink.” 

Patton opened his mouth to protest — _“I have water,”_ he would say, or _“I’m allergic”_ (Something stupid like that) _—_ but the man just shook his head. 

“It is important to stay hydrated after all; especially after passing out.” 

A beat of silence. Patton didn’t even have the energy to be shocked because yeah, that would make a lot of sense. 

Instead, he just nodded and took the bottle. He nervously fumbled with the cap as the man began to talk. 

“My name is Logan.” He cleared his throat. “Logan Fray. You passed out in front of my car and I didn’t want to keep you outside in the cold so I brought you into my car.”

“Kind of an odd choice of action,” Patton mumbled, taking a long sip of water and wincing. _What kind of response was that?_

Logan, to his surprise, chuckled. 

“I suppose it is,” he hummed. “I apologize if I scared you, I only intended to take care of you.”

Patton sighed, lowering the bottle and looking at Logan meekly.

“I’m sorry too,” he said quietly. “I...I really appreciate your help,” he chuckled, hoping to lighten things up. “It’s sort of like you’re my hero or something, heh.”

A pause. Logan just nodded. “It’s what I do.” 

Patton took another sip of water and stared straight ahead in the uncomfortable silence. He saw the Clinic sign through Logan’s car window, its bold font proudly flashing down at him in the sky. 

“Did you receive bad news?” he heard Logan suddenly ask.

Patton felt his lip begin to tremble as he closed the water bottle and put it in the cup holder between him and Logan. He kept looking at the sign, nervous tears beginning to roll down his cheeks. 

He heard Logan sigh. 

“My...my deepest condolences.” He sounded so _sincere_ ; which was admittedly a nice change of pace from the cold demeanour inside the clinic. 

“It’s okay,” he looked up at Logan, giving him a tearful laugh. “You have to know eventually, right?”

Logan looked at him with some kind of indescribable remorse. 

“...I suppose you’re right.” 

They sit in silence again, staring at the damned building. 

“Could I drop you off somewhere?” Logan finally asked. Patton shrugged. It didn’t _really_ matter; he took a bus, after all. Then again, he didn’t really want to sit in a bus full of strangers, surrounded by their full and hopeful lives. He felt awful just thinking about it. And then, he felt more awful thinking about what he’d tell his mum when he got home…

“I don’t know,” Patton murmured. He looked at Logan. “Where are you off to?”

“Um, I was supposed to go to McCather’s,” he replied with a frown. “It’s a bar fairly close-by.”

“Supposed to?” 

“I was going to meet with a friend,” Logan explained, “but I cancelled after finding you.”

 _Oh._ Patton tried not to sputter out a teary, pathetic apology. 

When Patton didn’t say anything, Logan just nodded; moving his stare down to his lap as an awkward silence filled the car. Patton snuck a glance at him and noticed that he was tapping on his thigh, seemingly deep in thought.

“Can I be your friend?” Patton suddenly blurted out. 

The tapping stopped. Logan raised an eyebrow, looking at him with a confused expression. Patton shook his head. 

“Sorry, that was weird, heh.” He cleared his throat, smiling nervously. “Let me start over. My name is Patton. And I know I just threw up then passed out in front of your car, but I...I promise I’m much cooler than that, heh.”

Logan chuckled, still not looking up at him.

“And now that... _that_ is out of the way,” Patton continued, “I’d like to be your friend and go with you. To, um, the bar. If...if that’s okay.”

A pause. Logan finally looked up at Patton, and his gaze felt more intense than its absence. He was looking at Patton as if he was studying him. 

Logan then cleared his throat.

“Usually, I would be entirely against this,” he finally said, but was already putting on his seatbelt and starting the car. 

“Me too,” Patton replied, and leaned his head on the window as the car began to move. He smiled sadly. “Today’s just different, I guess.”

* * *

Patton had always remembered bars to be bright and loud; with neon lights hanging on red, brick walls and people cheering every two seconds for something. 

But for whatever reason, this one didn’t live up to the expectation. Maybe it was because everyone looked like they all received the same news. 

“A week.” Logan winced as Patton took another sip of his drink. “That’s...awful.”

“It _is_ .” Patton closed his eyes at the bitter taste. He set the glass down and stared at it. “It’s such a stupid system. And– and it’s such a stupid place. The Clinic–” he hiccuped– “is _stupid_.”

Logan just nodded solemnly, sipping his drink until it was done before raising his hand to catch the bartender’s attention. Patton sighed, shaking his head. 

“I really shouldn’t have any more,” he said. 

“That’s fine,” Logan hummed. When the bartender came over, he said, “One more glass for me, then the bill.”

He began to take out his wallet and Patton’s eyes grew wide. 

“You don’t have to–”

“Nonsense. My treat.” A pause. “For a friend.”

Patton broke into a small smile, which soon turned into a long sigh as he slumped over on the bar counter, his chin resting on his folded arms. 

“You know,” Patton sniffled, “I– I didn’t even get to go everywh’re.”

“There are not many people who do, you know. Statistics and all.”

“ _Still_ .” Patton buried his face in his arms, his voice muffled as he continued. “Now I can’t go _anywhere_.”

“Oh, come now,” Logan scoffed. “You can go anywhere you want. I know it may not seem like it, but you have all the time to do that now. I am sure that there are services for predicaments like this — if you wanted to go somewhere, they would most likely assist you with that.”

“I’m not some _Make-A-Wish_ kid, Logan.”

“And what I’m saying is that you _can_ be.” 

Patton giggled as he made a move to finish his drink. The bartender came back with Logan’s drink and the bill underneath it.

As he fished through his wallet, he asked, “What would you wish for?”

“What?”

“Right now,” Logan repeated, “what would you wish for?”

The question, for some reason, made Patton giggle again. He forgot how giggly he got when he was tipsy. 

But when Logan looked at him with a certain kind of knowing he couldn’t deflect, Patton sighed. He looked down at the counter surface that was so close to his nose before lifting his head. 

“The Grand Canyon,” he declared. Logan chuckled. 

“You want...the Grand Canyon?”

“I– I wanna visit it.” He looked at Logan. “My dad tried to take us– he tried three summers in a row, actually– but...well, it never really panned out the way he wanted it to.”

He smiled, more sure of himself. “I wanna go to the Grand Canyon and– and yell something at it.”

“And what would that be?”

Patton slumped back down on the counter. “No one’ll ever find out.”

Logan rolled his eyes slightly as he counted the bills in his wallet. 

“You know–” Patton hiccuped loudly– “maybe I should’a just done the Procedure.”

In the corner of his eye, he watched as Logan froze. 

“It sounds like such a _grand_ adventure, doesn’t it? Being a Doctor?” The words came out as a sad drawl. If Patton wanted to be bitter, he clearly wasn’t capable of it. “I’d have unlimited time to just rain on everyone’s parades; _pitter-patter, pitter–_ ”

“Patton–”

“And then!” he exclaimed loudly. “Then I could go _anywhere_ I want. I mean, if they’re even allowed to leave the Clinic.” He scoffed. “But hey! It’s the ‘ultimate sacrifice’ for _unlimited_ time, isn’t it?”

Logan said nothing in response, but Patton could see his face scrunch up in thought as he put bills on the counter next to his now-empty glass. 

“Whatcha thinkin’?” he mumbled. Even quieter, he added, “Was I too much?”

Logan shook his head with a small frown.

“I’m...deliberating.” 

“Deliverin’ what?”

Logan gave him a tired laugh then, after a bit of silence, turned to face Patton.

“I want to tell you something,” he said. “Two things.” 

Patton perked up from his seat and stared at him. 

“Number one,” Logan smiled. “I want to take you to the Grand Canyon.” 

Patton became sober in almost a second.

“You...you _what?”_

“It’s a two day trip,” he continued. “You’ll be back before you know it, then you can spend your last few days with people you care about.”

“ _Logan_.” Patton laughed, almost nervously. “You’re...you’re not serious about this, are you?” 

“I’m always serious,” Logan said, seriously. He pointed down at his shirt. “Necktie.”

“Logan, you’re drunk.” 

“Evidently, you are as well,” he replied pointedly. 

“Logan!” Another giggle. Patton almost wanted to fall right against him as he swatted at him playfully. “Shut up, shut up, shut _up…_ ”

“We can take my car,” Logan was practically beaming now. “We can exchange numbers and I’ll pick you up tomorrow. We can split gas and the cost of the motel, or we can just sleep in my car– I don’t mind.” 

“ _Logan_ …”

“It just makes _sense_ , Patton.” Logan suddenly took his hands into his own. Patton blushed even more; they were so _warm_. 

“Say no if you want to,” Logan murmured, staring down at their hands. “But I think– I think we should do it. I know it is illogical to believe in fate of any sorts but _fuck._ This could be our last leap of faith– our last big... _thing_.”

Patton frowned. “ _Our?_ ”

A beat of silence. 

“That is, um, the other thing,” Logan finally said, his voice now barely above a whisper. 

“I have a week too.”

* * *

Patton stared at the ceiling of his empty apartment, lying still on his bed. For some reason, he was antsy; as if every second that passed was a wasted one. 

_So many seconds then,_ he couldn’t help but think. _There’s been so many seconds…_

He sighed, sitting up and squinting at the rising sun that peeked through his window. He rubbed his eyes, reaching over for his glasses on his bedside table. 

As he did, he felt the surface of the table buzz. He frowned, slipping his glasses on and looking at the source of the noise. 

_His_ _phone_. His heart nearly sunk at the realization and he softly muttered, “Shit.”

That’s why his head was hurting then, he assumed. Parts of the night returned to him. He remembered giggling on a barstool, he grimaced at the memory of him humouring the idea of even _considering_ becoming a Doctor, and his heart nearly stopped as he recalled exchanging numbers with a complete stranger who offered to take him to the Grand _flippin’_ Canyon…

Patton picked up his phone carefully, as if it would set him on fire upon contact. He turned it on and winced at how bright it was. 

_Logan | Today | 7:03 am_

_Dear Patton,_

_I hope you did not find that I was too forward last night._

“That’s an understatement,” he muttered under his breath.

_I am messaging you to apologize for my actions. While I was sincere in my sentiment, it was incredibly foolish to suggest such a concept so persistently and without much regard for how you felt. I do not know why I was so insistent about travelling with someone I barely know, but...well, there is no more time for logic, is there?_

_Regardless, I hope you are feeling better this morning, and I wish you the best with the time you have left._

_Sincerely, Logan._

He stared at the text for a few more seconds, almost perplexed, before closing his phone and looking out his window once more. 

_“The time you have left.”_

Patton sat there for a while, watching the sun rise in the slowly-awakening sky. Across from him was another apartment building, its windows filled with the silhouettes of people moving around their homes.

They all moved with _purpose_ ; like they all had somewhere to go. 

Then, Patton looked down at his phone. 

For whatever reason, his mind couldn’t stop going back to the conversation with Logan. He never really stopped to think about the odds of bumping into someone with the same fate as him. It made him wonder how many people were given the same sentence by the Clinic. It was almost ridiculous. 

The whole situation was ridiculous, actually. Patton couldn’t help but let out a quiet laugh; a stranger wanted to go to the Grand Canyon with _him…_

His mind suddenly drifted to the Clinic; to the grey walls and the grey chair the Doctor sat him on as she went through his files. He remembered her cold stare as she lifted her eyes to her computer screen, the green digits almost burning into his head. He thought about the way her eyes never met his as she told him.

_A week._

They only gave him a _week._

Without even thinking, he opened his phone and pressed ‘ _call’_ as soon as he saw Logan’s name. 

_“...Hello?”_

Patton inhaled sharply upon hearing him. His voice was quiet and muffled, and Patton could still hear the sleep in it.

“Um, hi.” He straightened his back. “It’s...Patton.”

A pause. 

_“Oh. Hello, Patton. Did you receive my texts?”_

“Uh, yeah. Yeah, I did.” 

_“I see.”_ Patton could feel himself grow stiffer; why was this suddenly so hard? He had drinks with the guy, after all. 

_“Was there something wrong?”_ Logan continued. _“Or is there something you need further clarification on?”_

“No!” He sounded too loud, all of the sudden. He softly continued, “No, no there wasn’t. I...I appreciate you letting me know.” 

_“Of course.”_

A beat of silence. Patton shifted slightly in his seat. 

“Um, Logan?” Patton suddenly asked, his voice small. 

_“Yes?”_ Logan replied readily, as if he was just as anxious for noise as Patton was. Patton sighed.

“Last night–” Patton tried to focus on the window and the rising sun; _move with purpose_ – “I...I don’t know if I really understand what you were offering.”

 _“Oh.”_ Logan sounded so echoey, so distant. _“In all honesty, I do not know either. It is as simple and absurd as the offer of a preposterous road trip with a stranger.”_

Patton paused. The way Logan phrased it made the whole situation...well, preposterous, for lack of a better word.

And then, Patton winced. What was he doing? He should be going _home_ . He should be on a train back to his mum’s so he could tell her that he failed to live past 21; and that yeah, he gave it his all, but he didn’t give _enough._

 _“Patton?”_ Logan cut through Patton’s thoughts like a knife. “ _Are you still there?”_

His voice was filled with so much _knowing._

Patton squeezed his eyes shut, trying to tug at the longing in his chest.

 _I can do this,_ he thought. 

Then, he decided: _I can give something– anything– for once._

_To me._

“Do you really have a week?” he finally asked.

Patton heard some shuffling on the other side, before he heard Logan speak. 

_"...I do.”_

Patton’s breath hitched. His hand was shaking and he didn’t even know why. 

_“I apologize if that information made you...uncomfortable,”_ Logan continued slowly. He heard him clear his throat. _“My intention was not to guilt trip you into a decision you did not want to make–”_

“No, no,” Patton said firmly. He felt himself inhale sharply, as if gathering the words that sat in his throat in one place on his tongue. “Gosh, you know what? You...you’re right.”

_“About?”_

Patton held his breath as he took a leap of faith.

“There’s really no time for logic now,” Patton finally said with a small smile, exhaling in relief as he did, “is there?”


	2. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which patton and logan learn more about each other and also talk about the sunset.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter warnings: familial death, talks about upcoming death, existential talks & debates on life/death, implied toxic familial relationships, implied suicide mention (never confirmed/elaborated on)
> 
> note: the song featured in this chapter is called "means to a mend" by adam melchor :)

The first hour or so was quiet, much to Patton’s despair. Logan didn’t even turn on his radio, making Patton think that he was expecting a bit more conversation as well. 

He leaned his head against Logan’s window, idly tuning his ukulele over and over again as the world sped past him. The strings and the sound of Logan shifting gears was all he could hear.

He wasn’t quite sure what he was expecting, in all honesty. Of course it was going to be quiet; they didn’t even _know_ each other. 

Still, he feared the possibility that this is what the _entire_ trip could be like; so he straightened up in his seat and cleared his throat. 

“So, um, _Logan_ –” He sounded like he was testing how it felt to say his name– “what do you do?”

From the corner of his eye, he saw Logan stiffen. He forced his stare straight ahead. Great _._ He was doing just... _great._

“I’m a teacher,” Logan finally said. 

“Really?” Patton latched onto the words as soon as he heard them. “That’s so cool!”

“I suppose it is.” Logan drummed his fingers against the wheel. “I enjoy it.” 

“What do you teach?” 

“Science.” Patton watched as a smile tugged at the corner of Logan’s lips. “I teach at a high school level, so it is not the most advanced content to teach; but it is fulfilling to give students a figurative...spark.” 

“Spark?”

“Just the motivation to pursue something more than what is on the whiteboard, so to speak.” Patton caught a glimpse of a small twinkle in Logan’s eye. “There is no experience greater than when a student comes up to you after class and asks you a question.” 

Patton smiled. _How could he not have been given more time?_

“That sounds...incredible,” he said instead. Logan just nodded, though the smile remained.

“How about you?” Patton finally turned his head to face him as he spoke. “What do you do?”

“Me?” Patton squeaked, blushing slightly. “Oh I, um, write...songs.”

“Oh?”

“It’s not really a big deal,” Patton said quickly. “I just, um...well, I upload some of them on YouTube.”

“Do you have a following?” 

“Not an impressive one.” He shrugged. “At least, not in today’s world.”

“Still,” Logan said, taking one hand off the wheel to grab his iced coffee. “I think it is an interesting occupation, being in the world of social media.”

Patton laughed nervously. “Heh, yeah! I guess.”

“Is that why you brought your ukulele?”

Patton blushed again.

“Yeah,” he replied meekly. “I’m hoping to write something before...you know.”

A quiet hush filled the car. Patton watched as Logan’s smile fell.

“Yes,” Logan finally said, clearing his throat and setting his drink back down. “I understand.”

“Though I– I’ve been having some trouble finding inspiration,” Patton continued, scrambling to pick the conversation back up. He rubbed the back of his neck, embarrassed. “The chances of being struck with inspiration is less than like, being struck by lightning, heh.”

“Hm,” Logan hummed. “Well, where do you usually find inspiration?” 

“My family,” Patton said, almost instantly. “A lot of my songs are about my family.” 

Logan, to his surprise, smiled. 

“That is...well, adorable.” 

“I guess it is,” Patton laughed, looking back down at his ukulele. “It’s easy to find inspiration when I think of them because I played a lot for them. Especially my mum — it’s easy to think of something great when I think of her.”

“What does your mother do?”

“She was a scientist.” Patton saw Logan beam in the corner of his eyes. “She led a lot of field research campaigns for NASA before she retired.”

“Fascinating,” Logan said, as if his breath was taken away. Patton smiled.

“She is,” He said proudly. “She was given a lot of time.”

“I can imagine. She was truly deserving of it.”

"She still is.” Patton’s heart swelled as he spoke. “She takes care of Roman and Remus– my younger brothers– pretty much all by herself.”

He laughed. “They can be a handful sometimes. And I mean, I help around too when I can, but she...well, she’s the leader.”

“She sounds wonderful,” Logan said almost fondly.

“She really is.” Patton’s smile fell. “I just wish she didn’t have to do it on her own.”

Logan frowned. 

“Did...did something happen to your father?”

Patton sighed. “He wasn’t as lucky with his time.”

A beat of silence. 

“Ah, I see,” Logan cleared his throat. “My apologies."

“It’s okay.” Patton smiled sadly. “He...um, it was complicated, heh.”

“...Right.”

Logan fell silent once more. Patton cursed at himself as he felt the conversation die. That one...well, that was on him. 

The next half hour was quiet again. Patton didn’t try to resurrect their talk; instead, he fiddled with the strings on his ukulele, trying to come up with a few chords that could tell the story of this suddenly awkward adventure.

“I know what it’s like,” Logan finally spoke up, when the agonizing silence passed.

Patton lifted his head up. “What?”

“About your father.” Logan didn’t take his eyes off the road. “I know what it’s like to not know how to...well, _feel_.” 

* * *

The story of Logan’s parents is kind of a sad one. It made Patton wonder why good people had the saddest stories. 

His dad’s life was just cut short. Logan never understood why, and neither did Patton. He was an electrician, and a good one of that. Friend to many, a joy to all. It made Patton’s blood run cold, thinking of the Doctor who made that decision.

But his mother was a different story. 

“She left when I was 14,” Logan recalled as they sat in traffic. He leaned back in his seat, one hand on the wheel and the other leaning against his window. “My dad had only died three years ago when she dropped me off at my grandmother’s house. I...I don’t know where she is now.”

“Oh, _Logan_.” Patton’s voice went quiet, barely above a whisper. “I’m so sorry.” 

“Do not worry about apologizing.” Logan sounded bitter; cold. “What she did was...it was illogical.”

Patton shifted in his seat nervously. “It was?” 

A beat of silence. 

“She was a Doctor,” Logan finally said. 

Patton immediately looked at Logan, as if his words became his prey. 

  
“A...a Doctor.” Patton tried to keep his voice levelled. “ _Huh_.”

“She believed the whole ‘ultimate sacrifice’ concept,” Logan murmured, not making eye contact with Patton. He looked almost ashamed. “As if it was the most valuable thing you could do with your time.” 

“Did she just not have enough time?” 

Logan stiffened. “She never told me. All I know about it is that she did her Procedure when she was 21, right before she left the Clinic after her mandatory appointment. She told me that they went through her files, disclosed to her the results, and then she simply made her decision.”

“Just like that?” 

“Just like that,” Logan echoed, his voice a quiet murmur. “For all I know, she could have been doing this for years; even before I was born.”

Patton winced at the small flame that suddenly flickered in his chest. 

“She had it all,” Logan continued. “Difficulty aside, the job was extremely rewarding. After my father passed, we probably could have had enough to live a very generous lifestyle. Not to mention having the limit on her time completely eradicated...”

Logan sighed. “I will never understand how she could just give that away.”

The flame intensified. Patton shook his head and stared out the window.

“I can’t believe she just left.” His chest hurt with every word. “That’s...that’s so awful.” 

A pause. 

“It’s a hard job, I suppose,” is all Logan said. 

Patton’s anger drifted out of him through a sigh, leaving as fast as it arrived. 

“Is she still…?”

“Alive?” Logan chuckled quietly. “I don’t know. All I know is that she is certainly not doing her job anymore.”

“I didn’t even know you could do that,” Patton murmured. “Because, like...they live forever, don’t they?”

Logan’s hands tensed up on the wheel. “They do.”

“And if they live forever, there’s really only one way out...isn’t there?”

A beat of silence. Logan then cleared his throat. 

“Do you want dinner?” he suddenly blurted out. 

Patton blinked. “Pardon?”

“Dinner,” Logan continued to drum his fingers against the wheel. “I feel like we need to raise our spirits — figuratively, of course. It is a road trip, after all.”

“Oh.” Patton didn’t even realize it was late; or that the tension in the car actually peaked high enough for one of them to notice. “Um, yeah! Gosh, I’m so sorry, um– dinner would be...swell.”

Logan just nodded. 

The car shifted off the highway and towards softer lights from nearby town buildings and homes; and Patton finally decided that perhaps it would be best to just sit in the silence for a little while.

* * *

“You could have ordered more than just a salad, you know?” Patton said as Logan gave the waitress their menus. “This can be my treat! It’s the least I can do.” 

“I want to keep spendings to a minimum,” Logan hummed. “For a night or two in a motel, and meals when the time arises. After all, it is important to conserve resources when pursuing a trip that may involve some detours.”

Patton giggled as he leaned back against his seat. His eyes drifted to the slowly-darkening sky out the window. 

“Wow,” Patton sighed. “Are sunsets just prettier when you’re on a road trip?”

“Perhaps,” Logan said, pushing his glasses up as he snuck a glance at the sunset as well. 

“It’s so beautiful.” Patton absentmindedly put his chin in his hand, almost dreamily. “I could stare at it for hours.” 

“You know,” Logan began, still looking out the window with Patton, “the human eye can perceive only a small part of sunlight that falls in the visible spectrum.”

“Yeah?” Patton asked, still dreamy, until his smile faltered and he asked; “Wait, what does that mean?”

Logan chuckled. 

“It means that we are not able to see all the colours of a sunset,” Logan explained. “See, as the sun starts to set, its light travels a longer distance. Particles in the atmosphere act as a prism for the light refraction; which is why we see red, orange, and pink hues within a sunset.”

“ _Wow_.” Patton smiled at the colours in the sky, which suddenly meant so much more. 

“It is quite fascinating,” Logan murmured. “You know, while humans are unable to see all the colours of a sunset, there are some organisms who can; particularly, those who can perceive ultraviolet light. It is theorized that they hence see a more colourful sunset.”

“That’s so _cool!_ ” Patton grinned. “I wonder what colours they see. Maybe some that don’t even exist yet!” 

Logan gave him a small smile. “Perhaps.”

“How do you know so much about this kind of stuff?” 

“...I am a teacher, Patton.” 

“Oh!” Patton giggled. “Yeah, that would make sense!” 

Logan just gave him an amused nod as he watched the sunset with Patton through the diner’s slightly-dirty windows. 

“This is really nice,” Patton finally said after a bit of silence between the two. 

“I do not quite understand how being in a slightly...unmanaged roadside diner with an aesthetic emulating the 50’s leads you to this conclusion–” And here, Logan smiled– “but I am glad to hear that, Patton.”

“Of course!” Patton turned to face Logan. “I’m having a good time. And I really enjoy your company on this– let’s be honest– really weird adventure we’re going on.” 

Logan just chuckled again. 

“I know I’ve been kind of...well, awkward doesn’t even _begin_ to describe it,” Patton continued, looking down almost shyly. “But that’s only because it’s all still hitting me, you know? It all doesn’t feel... _real_ yet.”

Logan slowly nodded. 

“I can understand that. It takes a while to adjust, I suppose,” he said with a shrug. “But at least you can rest a little easier, now that you know how it happens. There has to be some solace in that, hm?”

Patton laughed, though it felt too small and sad. 

“I, um...I don’t know how it happens.”

Logan blinked. “You...you don’t?”

“Part of me was scared to know, obviously,” Patton explained, “but there’s– there’s just this other part of me that knows I shouldn’t be allowed to know...you know?”

“Everyone is allowed to know,” Logan said with a frown.

“No, I get that! And I respect people who choose to find out, obviously.” Patton sighed. “I guess I just don’t think it’s...fair.” 

“How so?”

“Well, it’s natural for us not to know!” Patton shrugged idly. “It’s sorta like not knowing is the most human thing out there. We never knew before– why should we know now?”

“...Huh.” When Patton looked up, Logan’s face was...well, unreadable. “I never really thought about it that way.”

“Do you know?” Patton asked.

A beat of silence. 

“Yes.” Logan cleared his throat. “It is peaceful, which I am thankful for, at least.”

Patton just smiled sadly. “You deserve it.”

Their food came not too long after and it was quiet for a while until Patton decided to sweep in with a lighter story; one that didn’t show too much of the edge Patton sat on. 

But to his surprise, as he began to talk avidly about something he thought Logan wouldn’t be really interested in, Logan _smiled_ at him.

And then, they ended up talking about everything — funny family anecdotes, stories about their jobs, their likes and dislikes; _everything._ Halfway through the conversation, Patton realized that the sunset had disappeared and the diner was almost empty. It shocked him for a split second — he didn’t even feel like a minute had passed, let alone an hour or two.

And it suddenly hit him how _interesting_ Logan was; and how easy it suddenly was for him to talk to Logan without thinking too much of it, or of anything around them. They were talking as if they knew each other from a different life; like old friends with the same mind. 

“I cannot believe you met Hans Zimmer,” Logan said, his eyes uncharacteristically wide and starry. Patton blushed. 

“I didn’t _really_ meet him,” Patton said meekly. “One of my friends from school was interning at a movie studio in LA and they were showing me around when I came to visit them. I just _happened_ to bump into him and be...well, over enthusiastic about it until he left.”

“Amazing,” Logan murmured. 

Patton giggled as the waitress came over to their table to take their bill.

Suddenly, a familiar tune floated out of a jukebox in the corner. Patton’s eyes lit up. 

“They’re playing my song!” 

Logan blinked. “What?”

“I chose a song out of the jukebox like, an hour ago!” Patton stood up, slowly bobbing his head to the beat of the music. “They’re finally playing it! Thank _goodness,_ I was starting to think I did it wrong or something!”

“When did you even–”

“Come on!” Patton exclaimed as a loud, colourful burst of instruments blared from the small jukebox. He outstretched a hand to Logan. “We _have_ to dance.”

Logan shook his head, but was smiling. “We do not _have_ to do anything.”

“Yes we doooooo!” Patton waved his hand in front of Logan. “It’s a 50’s diner! There’s a jukebox playing a bop– a juke- _bop!_ We have to dance! That’s what they probably did– um, back then!” 

Logan looked down at Patton’s hand and then back up at Patton, who did his best to smile as wide as he could. 

“We could do the juke- _box_ step,” Patton said, waggling his eyebrows. 

To his surprise, Logan kept staring at him. 

And, for a split second, his stare lacked that _knowing_ he was familiar with.

Patton lowered his hand slightly, a bit confused. 

Then, Logan took his hand. 

“Yay!” Patton cheered, filled with that vibrant feeling once more. He grabbed Logan and pulled him towards the empty space near the jukebox. Logan rolled his eyes, and Patton felt the tense-feeling in Logan’s hand loosen. 

“Okay, just follow my lead.” Patton began to bob his head in an exaggerated way, motioning for Logan to echo the movement.

Logan sighed, rhythmically bobbing his head to the music while rooted in his place. His foot tapped to the beat as he crossed his arms.

Patton laughed. 

“Oh come onnn!” Patton took Logan’s arms and shook them free, grabbing his hands and spinning him around. Logan broke into a wide smile. 

And when Logan laughed, it sounded prettier than any music Patton had ever heard.

* * *

Patton was already closing his eyes when he heard Logan speak.

“You’re...different.”

Patton lifted his head to look at Logan. “Hm?”

“You’re different from the people I know,” Logan said, his eyes still on the road ahead of them.

Patton straightened up in his seat. “I am?”

“For starters,” Logan began, “I have never met a musician before. I was always fascinated by the industry, but from a distance. I never understood how one could just...draw inspiration from nothing to make, well, _anything_.”

Patton chuckled. “It’s a lot less difficult than you’re led to believe! The world is just stuffed with little nooks and crannies where inspiration hides. It’s just a matter of finding it, which is the fun part!”

“See, and that’s why I am just so...confused by you,” Logan murmured. “You treat music and family and, well, _life_ as something so fun– and you give so much love to everything you are a part of. Tonight was just further proof of that.”

Patton blushed. “Aw, Logan! Thank you!”

“It’s true,” Logan sighed. “And so I am just confused as to why you weren’t given more time.”

A beat of silence. Patton’s smile fell. 

“...Oh.” He laughed nervously. “Well, isn’t that just the million dollar question?”

“It’s just that the Clinic is supposed to reflect a system built on payoff and reward–”

“The system is _wrong_ ,” Patton cut him off. More quietly, he added, “That’s all.”

Logan was seemingly stunned in silence because he didn’t respond. Patton sighed. 

“Sorry,” he said meekly, rubbing the back of his neck and fixing his stare on the road in front of them instead of at Logan. “I’m...well, I’m no expert on politics or whatever, but I do have a pretty good idea on what is right and the Clinic? That’s...that’s not it.”

“How so?” Logan’s words seemed like they were walking on a tightrope. Patton shifted in his seat. 

“It just doesn’t make sense,” Patton explained, feeling his words grow more bitter as he continued. “Not to get, like, all philosophical on you, but it just doesn’t seem fair. I said it before, it’s natural for us to not know how it happens. And then you have these– these _people_ , out here deciding how a complete _stranger_ should be allowed to live their life before it even started?”

He snuck a glance at Logan. His jaw was seemingly clenched and his hands were tightly gripping the wheel. Patton winced.

“Gosh, what am I talking about.” He rubbed the bridge of his nose, his frustration deflating. “I’m so sorry, I don’t mean to sound so rude. I...I get that it’s a ‘gift’ or however people describe it. And if I was really that upset about my time, I could have made an Appeal to see if there was at least _some_ possibility that I could have more. It’s just…” 

Patton closed his eyes. “I guess part of me just wishes I was on the luckier side of it all.”

He shook his head with a soft chuckle. 

“It’s selfish and wrong to be so self-serving. I’m sure they’re giving time to people more deserving of it than some one-hit-wonder musician.” Patton leaned his head against the window with a sigh. ”But...but I _know_ people who deserved more time; people who didn’t get the chance to give even the smallest amount of _anything_ to the world. Who knows, it could’ve been enough for them to be granted the time they deserved in the end.”

“Like your father?”

Patton grew tense. He averted his glance. 

“No one should know,” he ended up saying. “Knowing something just makes it easy to...to exploit it.

Logan’s breath hitched.

“I…” Patton watched as his grip on the wheel loosened. “Knowledge is an incomparably valuable, multi-purposeful tool. And it is instrumental in identifying and solving any problem.”

“I don’t know if I’d call death a ‘problem’.” A pause. “Well, I mean it’s a problem for me right now, sure, but in general? I don’t think life can exist without it.”

“You raise a valid argument,” Logan hummed, “but life is the only thing we humans _truly_ know. We know nothing about death– it’s not like it is a problem, it’s just something that has changed so drastically. Death, at some point in time, was inevitable; but now… now it’s something we can control and learn more about. It is one of the most harmful forces we can ever come across in our lives and now we _know_ how to stop it. And I understand your argument but...but don’t you think that we’re getting closer to knowing how to save everyone from it?”

There’s a twinkle in his eye as he spoke. Patton frowned. 

“I don’t know if it’s something, like...hurting us.”

“It’s just taking away our potential.” Logan took a moment to look at Patton. “It’s taking away the potential for people like _you_ to truly explore all of what life has to offer.”

A beat of silence. 

“Agree to disagree then,” Patton murmured. He gave Logan a small smile after sitting in the silence for a bit. 

“You know,” he said, “I don’t know if I’d want to live forever.”

“Yeah?” Logan was no longer looking at him. Patton idly looked out the window and sighed. 

“Because at some point...wouldn’t it just come full circle?”

“What do you mean?”

“If you already know everything about living,” Patton explained, “wouldn’t you just end up wanting to know more?”

Logan didn’t respond. Patton shrugged. “I just don’t know if I want to spend my whole life worrying about not knowing. At that point...well, I think I’d just be content with leaving it up to imagination.”

Patton was met with silence once more; though it felt less unsettling than before. Still, Patton ended up nervously humming to try and fill the void of their conversation. 

After what felt like hours, Logan finally said, “Huh.”

“What’s up?”

“...You _are_ different.”

And from the corner of his eye, Patton saw Logan smile.

* * *

“...Patton?”

“Mhm?”

“If I were to ask for a song–”

“Ah, sure! Any requests?”

“...Surprise me.”

\- 

Logan listened intently to the way Patton plucked the strings of his ukulele; and the way Patton’s breathing sounded like (slow, deep; _ready_ ) before he sang. 

_“You had a dream you were up in the sky, down from the stars you then started to fly…”_

Logan couldn’t help but smile as he exited the highway to find a motel, the night sky stretching far beyond them.

_“And from there you could see as you fell through the miles, the place where you lived through the telephone lines…”_

His eyes were beginning to feel heavy, but he stifled his yawn behind his hand so he wouldn’t miss a word Patton sang.

 _“There’s the yard and the trees, the roses you like;  
_ _When you woke up and you knew you’d be fine.”_

It kept Logan awake– no, _alive_ – to hear his voice. 

_“If it happened to be the place where it ends,_ _  
__at least you would know how to land on a means to a mend…_


	3. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> patton and logan hit a bump in the road. also? a unicorn frappuccino ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter warnings: a brief car malfunction; otherwise, none.
> 
> note: the song featured in this chapter is "good morning" from singing in the rain :)

A D7 floated into their room as Patton walked inside. 

“Ohhhh–” Then a G– “ _gooooood mornin’! Good morning! We talked the whole night through!”_

Patton continued to strum his ukulele, walking into their motel room at the beat of his own song. He switched chords as he made his way to wherever Logan could be once realizing he wasn’t still in bed. 

_“Good morning, good morning to–”_

“You are not listening to _me_.”

The last chord hung in the air before Patton could finish the progression as he heard Logan’s voice, muffled behind the bathroom door. 

Patton set the ukulele on the bed and cautiously moved closer to the door until he was inches away from it. 

“...I told you, I am not coming in.” 

_Work._ Patton frowned; it was Saturday, what would a school need from him _now?_

He tried to keep his breathing levelled as he heard Logan pacing in the other room. 

“Yes, I know, I– you do not have to remind me. I am aware of what– no, I do not actually _know,_ but–” 

Logan didn’t finish his sentence. Silence suddenly filled the room, aside from the noise of muffled steps behind the door. Patton’s heart began to race, yet he remained still.

And then, in the softest voice he ever heard:

“Do not speak about her like _that_.”

Patton’s eyes widened. He should definitely not be listening. 

He spun around on his heel, marching back to the front door of their room. He grabbed his ukulele as he passed their bed. Maybe he could go and grab more breakfast, or–

“Good morning.” 

Patton froze, his grasp on his ukulele tightening. He slowly turned around to see Logan, adjusting his tie with a small smile.

“Oh!” Patton laughed nervously. “G’mornin, Lo! I– I was just going out to grab some breakfast before we left.”

“Ah, a wonderful idea!” Logan picked up his jacket off of the old armchair near the door as he moved past Patton. “Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.”

Patton couldn’t help but notice that Logan’s voice was still loud, but it was loud in a different way.

But a little while later, as Patton listened to Logan talk vibrantly whilst eating his cereal from a styrofoam bowl, it finally clicked. 

He was scared.

Patton watched as Logan stood up from their small table and walked to the breakfast bar in the motel lobby, becoming lost in the crowd of people in the room. 

_And of what_ , Patton thought, _he didn’t want to know._

* * *

“Are you sure you are okay to drive?”

Patton laughed, turning a street corner.

“If I wasn’t okay to drive,” he said, hand still on the gear shift, “would I have gotten us this far?” 

“It has only been thirteen minutes, Patton.” 

“And we're still alive!”

Logan was bouncing his leg as he sipped his iced coffee. Patton could see it in the corner of his eye. He sighed with a small smile. 

“I know how to drive stick, Lo.”

“You told me that you drove manual transmission _once,_ when you were seventeen–”

“–And everyone was okay!” Patton insisted. “I know what I’m doing. Just shift gears every now and then!” 

“I– _no_ , you do not just do it ‘every now and then’, you have to _listen_ to the car–”

Patton turned the radio on before Logan could go any further. Logan just chuckled, at least a bit amused. 

“Why do you drive stick anyway?” Patton asked absentmindedly. “I would’ve taken you for a modern, convenient driving-kind of guy.”

“My grandmother taught me how to drive. Manual transmission was all she had.”

“Aww, that’s sweet of her!” 

Logan smiled. “It is of her nature, yes.” 

“My dad taught me how to drive stick,” Patton continued idly. “I mean, he _tried_ to teach me — it always ended in a fight. After that, I didn’t really think there many pros to it, heh. I guess I couldn’t just _stick_ to it.”

“Nonsense,” Logan replied, ignoring the pun completely. “There are plenty of benefits. For starters, it is much more difficult to identify a problem with an automatic, given their often-complex computerized systems.”

“Huh!” Patton smiled. “That’s real nifty to know, then! Maybe I’ll try and pick it back up, get into the swing of it again.”

“...I would have hoped you were in the ‘swing of things’ _now.”_

Patton just laughed again _._

They exchange a bit of conversation for the next hour on the road — with Patton talking avidly about the dreams he had the night before and Logan listening intently.

“–And then _boom!”_ Patton made a little explosion gesture with his hands. “The t-rex _exploded!_ ”

“ _Patton!_ ”

“Oops!” Patton quickly dove to put his hands back on the wheel and laughed. “My bad!”

“It is alright,” Logan said, though lowered his hand from the knot of his tie. 

Patton smiled brightly at him and stared ahead at the road, which began to shift into an upwards hill. As he tapped his finger on the wheel and shifted gears once more, he cleared his throat. 

“Hey, I meant to ask you something.” 

“Oh?”

Patton nodded, his smile dimming to an anxious glow. 

“I, um, just wanted to ask about this morning.”

“If it is about breakfast, I am going to have to ask you to let go of the fact that I did not let you take some _Lucky Charms_ to go; they were overflowing in the bowl and they are not at _all_ healthy–”

“No!” Patton laughed nervously. “It’s not about the cereal. Even though I was hoping I would have _charmed_ you by now.”

“...Please correct me.”

Patton’s laughter, no matter how uneasy, died out rather quickly. 

“It’s…” He took a deep breath, opting to keep his eyes on the road instead of getting more jittery looking at Logan. “It’s about your phone call.” 

He heard Logan’s breath quietly hitch. 

“...Oh.” Logan cleared his throat. “I...I was not aware that you overheard that.” 

“I didn’t mean to! Really, I didn’t– I kind of just...walked in–”

“It is quite alright, Patton.” Logan kept his stare fixated at the road as well. “I was not as subtle as I could have been.” 

“Was everything okay?” Patton’s voice grew small– too small for his own good. “You obviously don’t need to say anything if you don’t want to but you...you seemed kind of stressed?” 

A pause. Logan adjusted his glasses and sighed. 

“...Okay. I’m afraid I have taken this too–”

Suddenly, the car came to a complete stop. Patton yelped as the two jolted forward. Logan’s drink spilled on his lap.

“ _Shoot_ ,” Patton murmured. 

“What–”

“I stalled.” Patton turned the key and the car sputtered before blinking out again. Patton frowned, turning the key again only for the same thing to happen. 

“Come _on_ …” Patton turned the key again. Nothing. He hit the wheel furiously, doing his best not to focus on how it felt to be stared at so _intensely._ “Come _on!_ ” 

“Patton.” Logan’s voice was eerily calm. “I need you to turn the warning lights on.” 

That and the sound of cars blaring their horns behind them was all the convincing Patton needed. He turned the warning lights on and tried the key one more time, trying not to get pay attention to the sound of cars whizzing past them at a speed fast enough to _probably_ hit a stalled car–

Suddenly, the car came to life, the sound of its engine wobbly but _there._ Patton blew a sigh of relief, reaching over to turn the warning lights off when Logan grabbed his wrist. 

“Pull over.” 

“What? But the car–”

“Patton, just pull over.”

Patton opened his mouth to protest, but Logan’s stern glare stopped him. 

“It is dangerous to keep going without knowing why the car did not turn back on.” 

“But–”

“I have five more days, Patton,” Logan snapped. “And I am not going to die early on a _hill_ . So until we _do_ know what is happening, I do not want to keep going.” 

Logan’s icy voice was all it took for Patton to signal right and head cautiously to the side of the road. Logan sighed, leaning back in his seat. 

“Thank you.”

“Logan, I...” 

Patton trailed off as Logan just waved his hand at him, already putting his phone to his ear. 

Patton sighed and parked the car at the side of the road, his hands still tense on the wheel. Logan’s conversation with roadside assistance began to seemingly fade away as his words earlier became loud and clear. 

“ _I’m afraid–_ ” 

“Patton?”

Patton blinked, then faced Logan. “Sorry, yes?”

“They told us that we should be safe to continue driving and find a safe place to park,” Logan said. “I will be forwarding them our location via text message.”

“Ah, okay.” Patton went to turn the car back on when Logan placed his hand on his wrist once more; only more gentle this time. Patton looked up at Logan, who was averting his glance from him. 

“I...apologize for snapping.”

“Logan, you–”

“I had no reason to.” Logan sighed. “I just...I do not want to ruin this trip for you.”

Patton broke into a soft smile. 

“Hey.” He hesitantly held Logan’s hand. “Nothing’s being ruined, Lo. Just a bump in the road!”

“There were no bumps, you just stalled–”

“Figuratively,” Patton cut him off with a giggle. 

And as his shoulders relaxed, Logan laughed too; which was all Patton needed to turn the car on and start again.

* * *

“What on _earth_ is that.” 

Patton grinned as he outstretched the cup of iced coffee towards Logan, who was leaning against the hood of the car. Logan, however, didn’t even notice his own drink; his stare fixated on Patton’s instead. 

“It’s a unicorn frappuccino!” Patton chirped, handing Logan his drink while taking a big sip out of his. Logan cocked his head forward in disbelief. 

“A...a _what?”_

“A unicorn frappuccino!” Patton beamed. “It’s filled with _magic!_ ”

“It looks like it is filled with...a potential nutritional disease.”

“And get this–” Patton held out the cup and swirled it with his straw– “as the colours change, _so does the flavour!_ How neat is that?!”

“I...do not even know how to respond.”

Patton took another big sip and sighed, leaning against the car beside Logan. “Mmm. Tangy.” 

Logan gave him an amused chuckle, taking a sip of his own drink and staring out on the road in front of the Starbucks parking lot. 

“We are most likely going to be set back an entire day based on this delay,” Logan murmured. 

“Well that’s okay!”

“Not exactly. I– I need to return to work.”

“You’ll still be able to do that!” Patton said insistently. “And wasn’t our goal to take a risk? A leap of faith?”

“If that were the case, it seems as though we have crashed miserably.”

Patton groaned. “Come onnnn! We can take today off, maybe do some exploring–”

“Should our next course of action not be abandoning this idea?” 

Patton blinked, all the energy suddenly deflating right out of him.

“I…” He leaned back on the hood of the car a little more. “Well, I don’t know.”

He then looked at Logan. “I don’t really want it to end here.”

Silence.

The two of them continued to stare at the road, watching the cars speed past them. And the only sound they could hear—other than the cars—was each other.

“You’re right,” Logan finally said. 

“I am?”

Logan solemnly nodded. “If I was given more time, I would never want this to end.” 

Patton looked up at him. “Really?”

“Really.” Logan averted his gaze to the floor. “And we have to keep going. I know there is more to life than this trip, but right now? This the most ‘life’ I was ever given.”

Patton found himself speechless as Logan continued. 

“You know, teaching people and telling them what they need to know, just before their life can begin– that is what my life has always been. It has always been about what I _know_.”

“...How does that have anything to do with our road trip?”

Logan finally faced Patton with a soft smile. “I don’t know.”


	4. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> obligatory side quest unlocked: explore a carnival (also have an unfortunate call with your mother).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter warnings: swearing, crying
> 
> note: the song featured in this chapter is from the movie "the half of it", sung by leah lewis :)

A few songs and a lot of murmured arguments about dancing in the parking lot later, roadside assistance eventually came around to tow Logan’s car and drop the two off at their centre. They were told that it would take a few hours, confirming the fact that they were not going to make it to the Grand Canyon today. 

“Well this is just _grand_!” Patton chirped as they walked out of the centre, Logan sighing alongside him. Without a ride, they were stuck with a day to explore whatever town they had ended up in. 

“I don’t know if ‘grand’ is the adjective _I_ would use…”

“It _is_ grand, though!” Patton skipped in front of Logan, then turned on his heel to face him, halting Logan in his path. “We get a whole day to go on an _adventure!”_

“This in of itself is quite the adventure, wouldn’t you think?”

“And now we get _more!_ ” 

Patton grabbed Logan’s hand and twirled him around before dragging him along. He saw a hint of a smile as Logan sighed.

“I see that I do not have a say in this,” he mumbled, “so I concede.” And more dully, he added, “Adventure awaits.”

“Wonderful! _Because_...” 

Patton grinned as he stopped abruptly in his tracks, letting Logan catch up to him with a slight jolt. 

He then pointed at a field across the road; and at a ferris wheel unfolding high up near the blue sky.

And then, with a glimmer in his eye, Patton grinned at Logan. 

“I just found our adventure.”

* * *

It’s a yearly thing, one of the locals had explained to them. It would happen at the beginning of each summer, with residents from all over town coming to put a pause on work and put a start on something new for the coming season.

And it’s a chance encounter, Patton realized soon after, that this start had found them now.

“We gotta do _everything!”_ Patton exclaimed, practically getting whiplash trying to take a look at everything. Logan chuckled. 

“It is highly improbable that we will be able to, given that the car should be ready within the next two hours and this is a very large field housing many attractions–”

“Then we have to go everywhere we can!” 

Without much warning, Patton grabbed Logan’s hand to drag him to the nearest attraction; feeling as if he was laughing– _truly laughing_ – for the first time in forever.

And so began their afternoon at the carnival. The whole time, Patton was desperately pulling each moment he experienced close to his chest; worried that if he let go for just a split second, they’d disappear before he knew it. 

They went from booth to booth, marvelling at the colourful stalls in the market section of the carnival that were selling various trinkets and souvenirs. The scene was laid out under small, vibrant flags strung above them, intersecting one another over the aisle of stalls.

Patton insisted that they would at least go in the small fun house that was set up with many mirrors, giving their reflection a wide variety of distorted shapes. Logan, at one point, got lost in the house. It took the help of a group of kids for him to return back to the entrance where Patton greeted him in hysterics. 

And of course, no carnival experience would be complete without–

“Two words,” Patton said as he (with the hand not holding two sticks of cotton candy) dragged Logan to his side; “Carnival. Games. _Booyakasha._ ”

“That is three words, though I am not convinced of the last one…”

“Who cares!” Patton beamed. He outstretched his hand and slowly panned it across his and Logan’s vision, motioning at the aisle of booths in front of them. “The goal? _Win a penguin._ ”

Logan fought back a smile as he nodded.

They go to the first game they can spot; one with milk bottles stacked on top of each other. The person running the game, ever so eccentric and distracting, got to Patton on his first try.

“Oooh, this is a tricky one,” Patton murmured when all his shots missed. The man running the game tipped his bowler hat almost mockingly at him, to which Patton responded with a bright, oblivious smile. Logan sighed. 

“It is a matter of observation,” he said, exchanging a five dollar bill for three balls. The man blinked at Logan, who didn’t notice as he stood in front of the tower of milk bottles. He pulled Patton beside him and pointed at them. 

“See, there are small sandbags on the barrels on which the bottles are stacked upon,” Logan explained, leading Patton’s gaze with his finger. “That implies that the bottles are weighted. This conclusion is also reached when considering your second attempt at toppling the tower. You hit the rim of the top milk bottle and it barely moved, despite the force at which you threw it.”

“I am pretty strong...” Patton hummed. Logan rolled his eyes. 

“The seemingly logical approach is to aim for the middle of the bottles, no? That way, all of the bottles topple at once, thus allowing you to achieve the goal of obtaining a penguin.”

“Perfect!” Patton grabbed a ball. “Let’s not _milk_ our victory any further–”

“ _But_ –” Logan snatched the ball back before he could throw it– “given the aforementioned fact about the weights, throwing it at the intersection of the bottles would, in reality, be an ineffective strategy– possibly the weakest point.”

Patton deflated. “Oh.” 

Logan shook his head, staring at the tower of milk bottles. He took a step backwards, reeling his arm back as well.

“Hence,” he said, “the most effective strategy would be to take the tower out through its foundation; as without a foundation…”

Logan threw the ball and, with one swift _thunk!_ , all the bottles fell. 

“...the tower will fall.”

The man running the stand didn’t seem as smug as Logan did. In fact, he continued to stare at him, his eyes narrowing in his direction before they were hidden by the shadows casted by the rim of his hat.

Patton, however, squealed, wrapping Logan in a tight hug that made him drop the rest of the balls. 

And Patton took pleasure in seeing Logan smile back; which he decided was a better prize than the bright blue penguin he got to take home.

* * *

“Mmm, I think it’s time for another bite of the funnel cake!” Patton exclaimed as he reached over to the paper plate of funnel cake in Logan’s hand. Logan, with a smirk, pulled his hand back, careful not to hit anyone else in line. 

“No no no,” he hummed as Patton pouted. “I believe you have consumed more sugar than what is deemed healthy.”

“ _Logannn.”_

“Patton, please.”

Patton narrowed his eyes at him. “You’re totally just doing this so you can have more.”

“...Falsehood.” 

_“Logannn!”_ Patton whined, chasing the plate in Logan’s hand as he cut himself a bit of funnel cake. “You’re taking the side with the most sugar! What– what about what is _deemed?_ ”

“Earlier, you had a sugar monstrosity in a cup,” Logan replied curtly, smiling a bit as he steadily spun around to avoid Patton’s grasp. “Not to mention the countless amounts of cotton candy…”

“I only had two!”

Logan gave him a look. Patton meekly smiled. 

“The ones I bought while you were in the bathroom don’t count.”

“Why not?”

“...Because you weren’t supposed to know.”

Eventually, Patton gave up on chasing Logan and the funnel cake in circles; but he couldn’t help but smile as he watched Logan’s eyes light up upon eating it. 

“Additional point,” Logan continued after a while, “we wouldn’t want you to get sick on the ferris wheel.”

“Who’s to say _you_ won’t get sick?”

“Who’s to say,” Logan echoed, taking another bite as Patton grabbed at it again. This time, Logan conceded with a chuckle. Patton practically melted at the taste. 

“It’s like summer in a cake,” Patton murmured. Logan smiled.

“I’ll be honest,” he said, still laughing as Patton ended up taking the plate of funnel cake into his own hands, “I did not expect this to be as...amusing as it was.”

“Told you!” Patton said, his voice slightly muffled by his chewing. “Funnel cake makes _everything_ better.”

Logan chuckled. “Not what I was talking about but…I suppose you did.” 

Patton watched as Logan looked up at the ferris wheel, the two inching closer to it as the line moved along.

“You know,” Logan finally said, “the car has been ready for a while.”

Patton deflated. “Noooo, we can’t leave yet! We haven’t gotten on the ferris wheel! And the fireworks haven’t started either!”

“We cannot do both, Patton.”

“ _Pleeeease?_ ” Patton cried. “The car can wait– who knows when we’ll be able to do this again!”

A pause. For a split second, it looked as though Logan stopped breathing.

“I...I know.”

“Logan, it was a hypothetical question–”

“No.” Logan said again, “I _know._ ”

Patton rested his fork on the plate to look at Logan. “You know?”

Logan nodded. 

“I know that we are supposed to leave eventually,” he said. “I know that I have been treating our destination as a priority, and I know that the employees at the emergency-auto-repair centre have notified me that the car was ready an hour ago.” 

“...Ah.” Patton hesitantly took another bite of funnel cake. “So does this mean we have to go?”

Logan shook his head with a soft smile. “No. I don’t think we do.”

\- 

The cool wind hit Logan’s face as they were lifted to the highest peak of the ferris wheel; so high up that Logan could have sworn that the sparks from the fireworks were brushing against his cheeks, warm and sharp.

“Do you think you can have both?” 

“Both of what?”

“A satisfying life,” Patton whispered, “and a satisfying end?”

Even as a whisper in the midst of such a thunderous sky, Patton’s voice continued to be all Logan heard.

He looked at Patton. The reflection of the light and sound exploding in the sky glazed over Patton’s irses. 

Then, Logan looked back up, holding the cold metal of their seats.

“I think you can have both,” he murmured. 

Patton smiled. 

“Good.” He leaned on Logan’s shoulder. “Both is good.”

* * *

The phone rang three times before–

“Hi, mum.”

Logan jolted up, his head nearly hitting the wheel and his glasses lopsided in his hair. He blinked, looking to his right and noticed that Patton was no longer in the passenger seat. 

But he was outside, his voice drifting through the window Logan had cracked slightly open for their stay in the parking lot of a rest stop. 

He was pacing back and forth in front of the passenger side of the car, his phone to his ear. Logan stared straight ahead immediately, but did not close his eyes.

“Yeah, I’m okay,” he heard Patton say. “I’m just out of town for the weekend. Though, it’s looking like it’s going to take a little longer than a weekend.”

A laugh. “ _Mum._ I’m _totally_ the kind of person who goes on spontaneous trips. I– yes, that time I went to the grocery store on my own _totally_ counts! ...Well I would’ve given you the heads up had I known you needed a babysitter…”

Logan snuck a glance at Patton, who had suddenly stopped walking. It was quiet for a bit before–

“...Yeah, I went.” 

_Oh._

“It wasn’t too bad!” He watched as Patton laughed, rubbing the back of his neck. He felt as if he was watching a car crash. “It...well, it was exactly how everyone said it’d be!”

Logan sighed as Patton’s hand began to tremble. 

“...I didn’t want to tell you like this.”

A hand quickly went to cover his mouth and Logan swore he saw tears run down his cheeks. 

“...O-Of course I’m coming home.” It came out as a hushed whisper; to the point that Logan could barely hear him. Patton lowered his hand and opted to wrap himself in a tight embrace. 

“I-It’s not your fault, mum.” It wasn’t an embrace, actually. It was more like he was holding himself together. “I– no, mum, it’s– it’s my fault, isn’t it? It’s– gosh, don’t kid yourself.”

More pacing. Logan’s eyes stayed fixed on Patton’s face. 

“...do you really think it’s a good idea to make an Appeal?” 

Logan’s blood ran cold. An Appeal, if passed, could ruin a Doctor’s life. If a Doctor were to get their diagnosis wrong…

“I– no, I can’t do it, mum,” he heard Patton whimper helplessly. “I– you need a reason to make one and even still, it’d be _unfair._ It’s the time I got – I can’t change it.” 

A pause; then, more harshly, “Well, it’s their job to be unfair, isn’t it?”

Logan squeezed his fists tightly.

And then,

“I– I’m _sorry_.”

No more. Logan forced his head away from the broken sight, this time closing his eyes to try and tune Patton out. 

Eventually, he heard the door open beside him and the _thump!_ of Patton sitting down. Logan kept his eyes closed willing himself to go to sleep; but gave up on that as soon as he heard Patton begin to cry. 

“ _Fuck_ ,” he heard Patton hiss as he cried even harder. 

“Patton?” Logan finally whispered, his eyes still closed.

“Sh– Logan!” It hurt more to hear him suck up his sobs and laugh. “S-Sorry, I didn’t know you were awake!”

“Couldn’t sleep.”

“I’m sorry,” Patton said, though his voice was softer. Logan winced; not the intended reaction. 

His mind reeled thinking of a solution, and it took a painful few minutes of listening to Patton hold back his tears before it clicked.

“Would it be possible if you could perhaps...sing me a song?” Logan cleared his throat. “It could serve as a...a lullaby. So to speak.”

At this point, opening his eyes would be more stressful than keeping them close and imagining what Patton looked like.

Instead, he felt Patton brush against his arm as he reached over to grab his ukulele in the backseat before climbing back to the front. 

And there was a moment of silence before,  
 _(slow, deep; ready...)_

 _“Here we are,”_ Patton began, _“took so long, came so far._ ” His voice cracked a bit. _“I slept half the way on your shou-lder…”_

The melody was simple enough, nothing more than a few plucks on each string, then repeat. Logan took a deep breath, and exhaled upon hearing Patton do the same.

_“Safe and sound, as the night tore and spun around…”_

Before closing his eyes for good that night, Logan took one more glance at Patton. 

He was playing his ukulele cross-legged on his seat. Despite it being so small in size, nothing could look as small as Patton did; his tears rolling down his cheeks and fogging up his glasses. 

Logan felt his heart skip a beat. 

And for a split second, he wondered if Patton even _knew_ how special he was; how different he was from anyone he had ever met. He was different from everything he believed; entirely separate from the dark world Logan was so familiar with. 

Logan wondered if Patton could even die when he was filled with so much _life._

_(But perhaps he could learn to love not knowing.)_

Because despite all this– dark clouds hanging over their heads like a cruel prophecy– Patton _smiled_.

_“And we had to get lost to be found...”_


	5. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which patton learns what the grand canyon really is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter warnings: angry confrontation (not complete physical violence, but the threat of one), implied toxic familial relationships, brief conversations on life/death

When Patton woke up,   
he was covered in a blanket

and the Grand Canyon was outside his window. 

“What the…”

“Breakfast?” he heard Logan ask beside him. He blinked, rubbing his eyes and pulling his glasses down from his messy hair. 

“Are we– ?”

Logan had a smug smile on his face as he set his iced coffee in the cupholder between them.

“Couldn’t sleep.” 

Patton broke into a big grin. 

“ _Logan!”_ he squealed. He leaned over to give Logan a hug before being pulled back with a slight jolt. He yelped, looking down to see that his seatbelt was on, and it was stuck. He frowned, pulling on it. He tried to reach Logan for another attempted hug, yet found himself in the same spot. 

“Allow me to assist you–”

“No, no! I got it, just–”

“Patton–”

Eventually, Patton—after giving it one final pull—unbuckled his seatbelt and gave Logan a hug. 

“ _Thank you,_ ” he mumbled in Logan's shoulder. “I can’t believe you– and you just–”

“I know.” 

Patton squeezed Logan a little tighter. 

“Thank you, thank you, _thank you._ ”

He then felt something wet on his shoulder and he smiled. 

“Aw, Lo!” He pulled back slightly, giggling as tears started to form. “Well, if _you’re_ going to cry…”

“I...that would be your bowl of milk and _Lucky Charms_.”

“Oh shoot– !”

* * *

After changing into a fresh shirt, Patton stepped out of the car. He felt the warm air beat on his face, a gust of cool air accompanying it. 

He took a deep breath of it all. 

"Wow," Patton murmured. They parked so close to the canyon and it seemed so...so _present_ . He tried his best to feel the same. "It's just... _wow_."

"It is quite the marvel, yes," Logan hummed, going over to stand at his side. He sounded as mesmerized as Patton was. He cleared his throat. 

"Alright, now for the discussion of our itinerary–"

"Itinerary?" Patton echoed. Logan nodded, pulling a piece of paper out from his pocket. He unfolded it, smoothed it against his chest, and then held it out in front of the two of them. 

"I wrote this up when we got here whilst you were asleep," Logan explained. "It is not very extensive, it was based on a quick Google search and a phone call. However, it should give us an adequate outline of possible activities we may pursue today." 

"Oh, Lo!" Patton squealed. "You didn't have to do all of that for me!"

Logan looked at Patton for a brief moment in an almost indescribable way before clearing his throat and facing his stare back down at the paper. 

"Well, I did not want to waste a single moment of your time, Patton," he finally said, handing Patton the paper. Patton broke into a small smile as Logan cleared his throat. 

"Anyway, I have a few options that you may choose from; but if it is alright with you, I wish to give you a recommendation once you are done reviewing the choices."

Patton read through the list, his eyes scanning over everything Logan wrote. He giggled at the footnotes (he used _footnotes_ ) and closed his eyes to think about what it would feel like to do each and every thing with _him._

Then, his eyes focused on one line. He looked up at Logan with a wide grin and pointed to it. 

Logan returned his smile. 

"Precisely what I was thinking."

* * *

The feeling of climbing inside a helicopter was a feeling Patton was sure he’d never forget. 

“How is this even a _thing?_ Helicopter tours? _”_ Patton whispered excitedly to Logan as he put on his seatbelt. 

Logan couldn’t help but laugh. “In all honesty, I am new to the phenomenon as well; only discovering it when I came across the website whilst doing research for the itinerary. It is apparently a very popular service.”

“Oh my _God,_ this is really happening.” Patton looked over at Logan with a sudden realization. “How is this a thing we can _afford?”_

Logan shrugged. “There may have been an...ulterior motive behind keeping spendings to a minimum.”

“ _Logan,”_ Patton gasped. 

“Check your seatbelt again,” is all Logan said before starting a conversation with the pilot. 

Patton giggled, tugging on the strap and slipping on the headset. He looked outside the helicopter window with wide eyes. 

He was staring at the _Grand Canyon._

And he was in a _helicopter._

“We’re taking off in a few minutes,” he heard Logan say through his headset. He grinned. 

“Copy that!” he chirped. Logan rolled his eyes and looked out his own window. 

In the corner of his eye, however,   
he saw Logan’s hand move a bit closer to his. 

Suddenly, the pilot began moving some levers and pressing some buttons; and without warning, Patton felt himself being lifted _up._

“Oh my gosh, oh my _gosh–”_

Patton felt a sense of giddiness and fear mixing in his chest as he inhaled sharply, looking at his window and realizing that he was above the ground.

And then suddenly, he’s above the clouds.

“ _This is amazing!”_ he couldn’t help but shriek over the loud whirr of the helicopter. He held onto his seatbelt, smiling widely at Logan, who just nodded at him. 

Patton looked out his window once more, a rush of adrenaline shooting through him as the helicopter flew a bit closer to the canyon. He saw spots of warm reds and oranges fill his vision as the helicopter weaved itself through the vibrant landscape. Below him were various forms of plant life and a river that seemed brighter than any river he had ever seen before. 

And there were _people_ , to his surprise. There were some hiking along the terrain and some even kayaking. 

They all moved with such _purpose;_ _  
_ like they were on the greatest adventure of their life;

like they just knew why they were there.

Patton then looked at Logan with a small smile. 

And now, so did he. 

“Patton!” he heard Logan say as they were swept higher into the air. “What did you want to say?”

“What?!”

“You wanted to yell something at the Grand Canyon!” Logan said again, a bit louder this time. “What was it?”

A pause. Patton broke into a wide grin as he looked out his window to see the adventure he had waited a lifetime for.

And then he took Logan’s hand. 

“You’re just _gorges!”_ Patton finally yelled, squeezing Logan’s hand with a loud laugh. “The Grand Canyon is just _gorges!”_

A beat of silence passed until–

Patton’s ears were suddenly filled with _laughter,_ coming from every direction. Rich, honey-like laughter surrounded him like a blanket; his own safe haven. 

And when he looked over at Logan once more, (a sight he could spend the rest of his life looking at,) he saw that Logan was _laughing;_

still holding his hand.

* * *

Patton took a deep breath of fresh air and opened his eyes.

Logan had taken him _everywhere_ after the helicopter ride. They ate lunch at a restaurant that gave them an aerial view of the Grand Canyon, they bought a few souvenirs (or at least, Patton bought one very tacky shirt); they even hiked for a few hours. Logan made sure that the Grand Canyon—a wonder Patton waited for so long—followed them everywhere they went. 

One of the last items on the itinerary was going to something called the Skywalk; a glass bridge shaped like a horseshoe that extended out over the rim of the Grand Canyon. Surprisingly enough, it was the part that excited Logan the most. 

Every step Patton took across the Skywalk felt like he was walking on air. The glass floor beneath him was a bit daunting at times, but it could never scare him because _Logan was still holding his hand._

Patton noticed that Logan didn’t stop holding his hand the whole day. When they walked out of the restaurant, when they were hiking, and even now. 

Patton didn’t know what changed,   
but whatever it was, he certainly didn’t mind. 

Holding Logan just felt so...right.

( _He_ felt right.)

“ _Logan…_ ” Patton’s words came out as a hushed whisper as he walked towards the railing, leaning against it and letting the air breeze past him. 

“I know.” Logan squeezed Patton’s hand. “It’s simply breathtaking.”

Patton sighed, his chin in his hand as he took in the sight in front of him. 

“I can’t believe I’m really _here_ ,” Patton murmured. “I have never even made it past the parking lot.”

“Well I am glad you are finally here,” Logan said with a small smile. “It’s...nice.”

“Nice doesn’t even begin to describe it,” Patton laughed. “To think, this all started on the day I got the worst news of my life.”

Logan chuckled to himself. “And now we’re here.”

“Here we are,” Patton echoed quietly. They stood there in silence for a little while, each of them grateful for their moment of solitude. The attraction itself was rather empty, with most people wandering back indoors to escape from the inevitable nighttime chill. 

However, Patton felt warmer than he ever had before,   
watching the sun slowly set on his final leap of faith.

“You know, my dad said he went to the Grand Canyon when he was fourteen,” Patton said absentmindedly, his stare still focused on the sight in front of him. “He said it was one of the most perfect experiences of his life. And so, naturally, when we made plans to go, he wanted it to be exactly the same.”

Patton chuckled. “Maybe that’s why we were never able to leave the car.”

“Was he a perfectionist throughout his life?”

Patton lightly scoffed. “Perfectionist doesn’t even begin to describe him. He knew he wasn’t given as much time as my mum and...well, he always resented everyone for that. Not even just Doctors; _everyone.”_ Patton sadly smiled. “He knew he’d be gone by the time I was eight.” 

Logan just stared ahead wordlessly.

“When he found out, he married my mum right away,” Patton continued. “They were both young, and...it wasn’t the happiest marriage.” He shook his head, almost in disbelief. “But he was _so_ determined to have the perfect life for all the time he had left.”

Patton sighed. “And when I finally came around, he...he tried to make us a part of that.”

“That…” Logan closed his eyes with a deep breath. “I don’t know what to say.”

“I never knew either.” Patton looked at the warm landscape in front of them, which was basking in the colours of the setting sun. “Maybe it just proves how crazy this– this timer can make people; the timer we’re all stuck with from the moment we get here.”

Logan huffed. “ ‘Crazy’ is a bit of an understatement.”

Patton laughed quietly. “I think once we get our time, we are just filled with so much...expectation. Like we expect to do so much, get so far. But at that point, it’s kind of already late, right?”

Logan frowned. “Late?”

“Well, we’re told how it all ends at practically the beginning of our life. What else are we supposed to do if our time is cut short before we can even begin to grow?”

“This is a far more bitter approach to life than what I am used to hearing from you, Patton,” Logan said quietly. Patton smiled. 

“I guess,” he replied. “It’s...well just talking about my dad really puts my life in perspective, you know? So much of what has shaped me came from the fear that I’d end up like him. There was this...expectation that I had to achieve _everything_ and give so much until I...I don’t know, die, heh.”

Patton lowered his head. “I used to think I knew what it was all for; what being unconditionally giving was worth. I expected to be given time, and…well, I expected a perfect experience.”

He then took one more glance at the Grand Canyon and sighed. 

“But it’s just gorges,” he finally murmured, biting his lip as his face suddenly grew hot, the threat of tears slowly closing in on him.

Suddenly, he felt Logan’s thumb slowly brush against the side of his hand. Patton looked up to see him looking back at him. 

“You’ve given enough,” Logan whispered, leaning forward ever-so slightly. “Perhaps your time was just meant to give you peace.”

Patton blinked, tears blurring his vision. 

And they were suddenly so _close._

“ _You.”_

Patton pulled back immediately, the word cutting through the air between them like a knife. Logan stiffened as Patton turned around. 

Behind them was a man, almost Patton’s height. He was wearing a black blazer with a bright yellow button-up underneath it. On his head, was a bowler hat. 

“Hiya!” Patton chirped nervously, not noticing how pale Logan suddenly was. “Um, is everything okay?”

The man said nothing. Patton’s smile fell as he tried to keep the conversation afloat. 

“You know, you kinda look familiar– didn’t we meet you at the carnival?” 

The man blatantly ignored Patton, focusing his attention towards Logan instead. 

He took a step forward. 

“I bet _you_ don’t recognize me,” he hissed at Logan, “ _do you?_ ”

Patton froze, not being able to move from his place on the sidelines of this confrontation. He watched helplessly as the man approached Logan slowly. 

“ _Do you remember who I am?!_ ” The man suddenly yelled, causing some people passing by to stare at their little party. Patton looked at Logan nervously, who stood firmly in his place. He didn’t say a word, which made the man laugh.

“Ah, so _now_ you have nothing to say,” the man growled. “Or maybe you really _don’t_ remember me. Both possibilities would be _such_ a surprise coming from someone like _you._ ”

“Hey now,” Patton said, the feeling in his legs suddenly returning. He quickly moved in between them. “I– I think there’s been some misunderstanding, sir.”

“Misunderstanding?” The man echoed darkly, laughing once more. “I think I would be able to recognize the man who couldn’t find it in his steel heart to save my _son_.”

Patton’s blood ran cold. 

“...What?”

“Leave,” Logan finally whispered. “I could call the authorities on you.”

“More abuse of power, I see!” The man clapped his hands together with a sarcastic grin. “How very _typical_ of your kind.” 

Suddenly, the man roughly pushed Patton aside and grabbed Logan by the collar of his shirt.

“I could end you,” he snarled. “Do you know how long I’ve been waiting to run into you again, Mr. Fray?”

“Hey!” Patton exclaimed, trying to reach out to stop him. “Leave him alone!” 

The man ignored him, his grip on Logan tightening. 

“I implore you to not do something you might regret,” Logan gritted out. “I know this is not what you want.”

A beat of silence. 

“You don’t know _anything_ ,” the man said as he let Logan go roughly, just as Patton rushed to his side. “And you don’t have any right to make a decision on what _I_ want.”

Patton quickly held his hand, whispering, “Are you okay?” 

Logan said nothing.

The man stared at them both and narrowed his eyes, which were quickly shadowed by his hat. 

“The only thing I’m grateful for is that you have to live with the grief forever,” the man sneered. “And in hindsight? I see that you were right about one thing.”

The man then turned his back on them, showing a glimpse of a cold stare over his shoulder.

“ _I would never want him to be like you.”_

Patton watched with wide eyes as the man walked away, then looked over at Logan; whose face was suddenly shrouded with shadows casted by the darkening sky. 

His heart began to race as the man’s words echoed back in his head. 

_“Steel heart.”_

_“Abuse of power.”_

_“Make a decision.”_

_“Live forever.”_

**_“I would never want him to be like_ ** **you** **_.”_ **

Patton’s breath hitched as it clicked.

“Y-You...you’re a–”

And then, Logan let go of his hand.


	6. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which logan is, at the end of it all, just afraid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter warnings: arguments, alcohol consumption, crying, implied case of cheating on an s/o (mentioned briefly), debating life/death, complex moral dilemmas, talking about a parent's implied death

_“Three hundred_ **_thousand_ ** _dollars.”_

_Logan averted his glance to the floor. That would hardly be enough, he couldn’t help but think._

_“Mr. Owens, I feel as though I do not need to remind you that bribery in the Clinic is highly illegal–”_

_“Then just hear him out!” the woman cried, clinging onto her fiancée’s arm. “He started his company from the ground up– he dropped out of school so he could pursue this dream–”_

_“And he’s had plenty of time to do so,” Logan cut her off. “Mr. Owens, you have led a very fruitful life. And it has been approximately three years, seven months, and twenty eight days since your mandatory appointment. You had no complaints then; why would you be unsatisfied now?”_

_“Because I have so much_ **_more_ ** _to do!” the man cried. “I– I have to get married. I have to have a child, I have to see them grow–”_

_“I apologize, Mr. Owens.” Logan forced his stare back at his computer, now mentally resorting to the scripted response. “But I cannot make time for those who aren’t happy with the time they have already spent.”_

_Silence._

_Logan cleared his throat. “Now if we are done here–”_

_He didn’t get to finish. The woman burst into tears, bolting out of the room._

_As she left, the man glared at Logan._

_“I have done_ **_nothing_ ** _to deserve this,” he hissed. “How could you be so_ **_heartless_ ** _?”_

_A pause. Logan continued looking down at his records._

_“Are you familiar with a...Samantha Willicks?”_

_The man’s eyes widened._

_“I–”_

_“Because I could refresh your memory,” Logan cut him off. “See, you have partaken in an affair with Ms. Willicks for two years despite your engagement with Ms. Berks, your fiancée.”_

_A beat of silence._

_“How did you–”_

_“If you are not going to spend your time with the one who gives you theirs,” Logan finished coldly, “do you really deserve more time?”_

_The man stared at Logan for a few moments; either perplexed or infuriated. Logan pushed up his glasses._

_“If you truly believe you are worthy of more, you can make an Appeal. But I would recommend against it; might as well make the most of your time with the people you love.”_

_Logan could almost hear the man’s words in his dark stare._

**_Heartless._ **

_The silence crept across the floor like a dull fog, only broken when the man growled,_

_“You’re a_ **_monster_ ** _.”_

_And then he left in tears, leaving the door swinging open behind him. He heard the couple’s frantic footsteps grow more and more distant, until he heard nothing at all._

_He sighed as he sat at his desk, completely still; looking down at Mr. Owens’ records on his clipboard._

**_A monster._ **

_Logan winced at the word, but thought about the woman who had left his office._

_They all say the same thing._

_...But his mother would have called him a hero._

_He stood up from his desk as soon as the clock read 6:00 pm. He took off his white coat and hung it over his chair, then grabbed his bag as he walked towards the door._

_When he locked up and began to walk out the back, he took a small glance over his shoulder._

_There was a man standing near his door with his hands curled up at his sides. Logan watched as the man held his hands up in front of him, noticing a slight tremble in them._

_It was all too familiar._

_A hero. He thought about what the word meant as he walked away, murmuring his farewells to a fellow colleague who passed him. He overheard her begin speaking to someone about the Renewal Program—one of many recovery groups in the area that helped those with unfortunate times—and he heard two pairs of footsteps walk away towards the entrance._

_He snuck a glance behind him once more, watching the man stiffly walk beside her._

_A hero._

_Logan sighed as he kept walking;_ _  
_ _if only it didn’t feel like the other one._

* * *

The first hour or so was quiet, much to Logan’s despair.

Patton didn’t speak a word to him when the man left. All he did was walk back to the car and slipped into the driver’s seat, despite Logan’s quiet protests. After that, Logan decided that perhaps it would be best to just sit in the silence for a little while.

Patton, surprisingly enough, was the first to speak up.

“What else did you lie to me about.” His voice, however small, was cold enough to break the silence, and then some. 

Logan’s heart ached at the impact. He straightened up in his seat. 

“Patton–”

“None of your ‘logical approach’ bullshit, okay?” His words held a bitter edge, and the curse just sounded wrong rolling off his tongue. “Just answer me.”

A pause. Logan averted his glance to the floor, staring at his shoes. 

“What I told you about my mother,” he finally said. “I told you that I never understood how she could have given up the life she chose; how she could abandon such a gift.”

Patton’s shoulders tensed up. “God, just forget I asked.”

“No, Patton, please.” He lifted his head to look at Patton, whose stare was fixed at the road ahead of them. “Just...listen to me.”

Patton fell quiet, which Logan took as a hesitant agreement.

“I used to be furious with her,” Logan explained. “Illogically so, in hindsight. I was upset that she left my father and I, and that she gave up on a gift that would have allowed her to pursue _knowledge._ ”

Patton’s hands gripped the wheel even tighter. Logan closed his eyes. 

“But truthfully, I was just fixated on the idea that she could have figured it all out. And I was so focused on that idea that I couldn’t see how much that choice made her suffer.” Logan rubbed the bridge of his nose, as if trying to block the sudden memory of her in his mind. “She was so smart and so full of _life–_ life she could have spent doing good things.”

“What she did was _wrong,_ ” Patton hissed. “All of it.” 

And then, more hesitantly, he added, “What _you’re_ doing is wrong.”

“It is not a polarized situation, Patton,” Logan said through gritted teeth, pushing his frustration down. “I...I understand that now.”

“It seems pretty black and white to me, Logan.” His voice sounded so suffocating, so cold; like it could freeze the air around him. “I thought you and I were on the same sinking boat. And I _jumped_ with you.” 

A scoff. 

“Now I am figuring out– not even from _you–_ that you are the _only_ part of my life that I’m allowed to hate. And I let you _lie_ to me.” 

“Patton–”

“Did you even think I deserved more time?!” Patton cut him off. “Did any of this mean _anything_ to you? Was I just some experiment you could learn _so_ much from?”

Logan could feel the poison drip from his words. “I–”

_“Were you even my friend?!”_

A pause. Logan felt as if the ceiling of the car was about to crush him. 

In a smaller, more quiet voice, Patton added, “Or was that a lie too?”

Logan’s heart broke. 

“Patton,” he finally said, turning to look at him. “You...you are my _best_ friend.”

Patton said nothing. 

“I made my choice because I wanted to prove my mother wrong,” Logan continued quietly. “I thought she was giving up too soon — that she was too weak to see it through. But after meeting you, I realized that she just wanted to be _human_.”

He sighed, trying to keep his voice levelled. 

“I know now the things she was trying to run away from. She was trying to run away from people like _you;_ people she made suffer for little to no reason. And when I met you...I didn’t want to run.” 

Logan looked back down. “So to go back to your previous question...yes. I lied about having a week and I lied about not understanding my mother’s motivations. Because the reality is that I understand _everything._ ”

He took a deep breath. 

“And I’m _afraid._ ”

It was quiet again for another two hours.

* * *

Logan ate dinner alone that night. And while he knew that the diner next to their motel didn’t look all too appealing, nor was 2 AM a very appropriate time for dinner, he at least hoped that Patton wouldn’t care.

But Patton had walked into their room without saying a word. And every step he took away from him simply reminded Logan that soon enough, Patton was just going to be _gone_.

And so, he ate dinner alone.

When he returned to their motel, Patton was nowhere to be found; despite it being so late. Logan sighed, throwing his key card on a nearby table and rolling into bed. 

He stared at the ceiling, feeling his chest rise and fall slowly. 

How he ended up here, he was never really going to know. 

Similar to where all his thoughts end up, his mind drifted to the Clinic. To his colleagues, it had been mere days since he showed up at work. To him, it felt like it was an eternity ago.

He knew that he was getting closer to the limit of “sick days” a Doctor could take before...well, who-knows-what happened. He shuddered just thinking about it. 

Then, he thought about his mother. 

He thought about how she was crying the entire way to his grandmother’s house, and he thought about all the things she frantically told him as she left. 

_“You’re so good.”_

_“Be different.”_

_“_ **_Stay alive.”_ **

Stay alive. Logan wiped furiously at the sudden tears rolling down his cheeks. 

And then, a new voice:

 _“Do you think you can have both a satisfying life,_ _  
_ _and a satisfying end?”_

He finally sat up, adjusting his glasses and clearing his throat. He looked over at the time. _2:34 AM._

And Patton was still missing.

He mustered up the courage to dial his phone number, but was immediately met with his voicemail. He sighed; his phone must have been turned off. 

He looked around the room, searching for anything that could indicate where Patton could have gone. 

As he stood up, his eyes fell on the mini fridge tucked underneath a desk. 

It was cracked slightly open. 

-

It only took about ten minutes of wandering for Logan to find Patton. 

He sat on top of a hill right behind the motel, sitting beside two bottles of beer and staring up at the starry sky. He had his knees propped up close to his chest, a notebook resting on them. 

Upon moving a bit closer, he saw Patton furiously scratching lines into his notebook before taking a sip from one of the beer bottles.

He approached Patton at the top of the hill, trying not to look down to see if Patton noticed him walking up beside him. 

As he did, he couldn’t help but stare at the sky, which was filled with an unimaginable amount of stars. If he squinted, he could fool himself into seeing constellations; the way he did as a child.

A few quiet moments passed before Logan eventually looked down at Patton; who, if he had noticed Logan, wasn’t looking at him anymore. Instead, his focus remained fixed on his notebook, scribbling a few lines before erasing them. Then, a sip of his drink. Then repeat. 

“May I sit?” Logan finally asked.

Patton looked up at him. A beat of silence passed. Patton then wordlessly nodded, forcing his stare back down at the paper in front of him before they could truly make eye contact.

When Logan sat down, Patton held up an unopened bottle to him. Logan smiled softly and nodded, taking it gratefully. He took one long sip before exhaling, tilting his head back up to face the sky. 

“Did you have dinner?” he asked quietly. Patton stared at him, then took another drink. Logan rolled his eyes.

“Patton–”

“I know, I know.” To his surprise, Patton giggled. Hearing noise from him sounded so foreign all of the sudden. “I’ll get a sufficient amoun’ of nutrition. Or whatever.”

“Or whatever,” Logan echoed dully, leaning back on his hands to stare at the stars above them. 

“It’s a beautiful night,” he murmured absentmindedly.

“Mhm.” Scribble, scribble, scribble. Logan couldn’t help but sneak a glance at Patton’s notebook. 

“May I ask what you are writing?”

Suddenly, Patton snapped the notebook shut, holding it to his chest defensively. Logan frowned. 

“I apologize. I did not mean to be so intrusive.”

“S’fine.” Patton sat the notebook beside him. “I’m writing songs.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah.” Patton wrapped his arms around his knees. “Well, writing a son _g_. I haven’t thought of anything good yet.”

“Ah, I see.” Logan fixed himself into a criss-cross sitting position, drumming his fingers against his knee. “I’m sure you will think of something soon. You are a brilliant musician, after all.”

“...Mhm.”

They sat in silence for a little more until Logan couldn’t take it anymore.

“I’m sorry, Patton.”

Patton’s shoulders tensed up immediately. 

“I know I have been saying many things that could justify what I have done,” he continued, “but in the end...what I did was unjustifiable.” 

Patton scoffed, but judging by the way he was tapping on the glass of the bottle, Logan assumed his words at least made an impact. He sighed. 

“This whole trip, you have shared with me your fears and trepidations towards the life you lived, and everything that may come after. And Patton, all you have proven to me is that there will _never_ be enough time in the world worthy of your life.”

Patton’s breath hitched. Logan turned his head slightly and caught a glimpse of tears rolling down Patton’s cheeks, as well as a tremble that ran through his entire body. Logan closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

"I understand that our paths will never meet again after this,” Logan finally said. “But before this all ends, I want you to know that I truly valued the time I got to spend with you. You...you showed me that there is a lot more to life than what it is offered to me. And I will never forget that.”

Silence. It lasted so long that Logan felt like he spent a minute too long talking to a wall. 

Eventually, Logan swallowed his pride and sat in the silence, taking a drink every now and then. The bitter taste kept him awake and hopeful.

The stars, surprisingly enough, stood still in their place; even if it felt like hours passed them by. They shone brightly, ever so present in the sky. Logan couldn’t help but wonder, despite his firm belief that death was the last thing humans experienced, if Patton would someday find his home between stars similar to the ones he found himself under tonight. One could only hope. 

“I forgive you.”

Patton’s words froze the air around them. Logan hesitantly looked over at Patton to see that his head was tilted upwards, towards the sky. He noticed the tears still rolling down his cheeks. 

“Patton, are you–”

“It was kind of messed up,” Patton blurted out. “You...you know that, right?” 

Logan winced. “I do.”

“Then I forgive you.” This time, it came out as a choked laugh. “I don’t think I could not forgive you.”

“I...I don’t understand.” 

“You showed me a lot too,” he explained, his voice cracking ever so slightly. “I have spent all my life wishing that I could just...not know _anything_ – to the point where I resented people who were just fine with knowing everything.” 

He sighed, his lip grazing the top of his beer bottle. 

“But you...you showed me how knowing doesn’t have to hurt. And you helped me know my worth,” Patton whispered, turning his head to face Logan. “I could have had any amount of time and I _still_ would’ve thought that I didn’t do enough. But just listening to what you told me...I think I can die feeling completely satisfied knowing that someone thought otherwise.”

Patton moved closer to Logan, resting his head on his shoulder. 

“To be honest, you could have been anyone with any amount of time,” Patton finally said. “I will always be thankful that I met _you_.”

For a brief moment, Logan found himself speechless. He slowly set his hand in the grass. 

“Patton, I…” He sighed, looking at Patton. “You’re simply remarkable,” he said instead.

There was a twinkle in Patton’s eyes when he spoke. He gently placed his hand in the patch of grass beside Logan’s. “You are too.” 

Logan smiled at Patton, a rush of relief spreading throughout his entire being when Patton did the same. 

“Could I ask you something?” 

“Of course.” 

Patton averted his glance to the ground. 

“That man back at the canyon,” he finally said. “What was he talking about?”

Logan paused, hesitance creeping back in. He could feel the whole story on the tip of his tongue, but knew that he risked compromising Patton’s trust once more if he confessed. 

But Patton’s wide eyes held a special kind of reassurance that couldn’t be ignored. Logan averted his glance to the ground.

“Early in my career, I was put in charge of a...special kind of appointment,” Logan said, choosing his words carefully. “My patient was Virgil Casey; seven years old, and son of Mr. Janus Casey — who you have unfortunately met.”

“ _Seven?”_ Patton breathed out. 

“He was extremely ill,” Logan explained remorsefully. “Eventually, he was forced to take the Clinic test early to see if there was anything peculiar going on.”

“And?” 

Logan closed his eyes, as if he could painfully remember what it felt like to say the words out loud.

“They gave him a week.”

“Holy _crap_ …” Patton nervously took a drink as Logan solemnly nodded. 

“Mr. Casey wanted me to go ahead and make Virgil a Doctor,” he continued quietly. “Of course, no one has tried to administrate the Procedure on someone that young — it would have been unethical science to even make an attempt.” 

Logan absentmindedly spun the neck of his bottle in circles. 

“Beyond that...it just seemed wrong,” he said. “Sure, testing the Procedure on Virgil could have paved the way to new research on the subject of immortality; if he had survived, then who is to say a baby couldn’t?”

He could feel Patton tug at the grass between his fingers and sighed.

“But...well, I was young. And I swore that I’d go into this job with some morals,” he said. “I knew I wasn’t any God. It wasn’t up to me to decide that.”

Patton stayed quiet. 

“Mr. Casey, as evident by our encounter with him, was furious,” Logan said with a slight chuckle. “Which...confused me, in all honesty. Or perhaps, ‘surprised’ would be the correct verb in this case.”

“It did?”

“It’s just that he...he never followed up on the matter. He made no Appeal, he didn’t go to another Doctor. And Virgil...well, there were reports that he died quietly on the day he was expected to.”

Logan shook his head, staring up at the stars and _hoped._

“I thought that I was giving both of them a second chance by sparing Virgil of this kind of life,” Logan murmured. “I thought sacrificing knowledge would be worth keeping this man with his son– not some vessel of who he used to be. It was something I knew this child deserved; to spend his final moments authentically with someone who loves him.” 

A deep breath. 

“So when I found out I was wrong...I vowed never to make that same mistake.”

“Oh my God,” Patton whispered. “That’s...that’s so _awful._ ”

Logan nodded. “But as mentioned earlier, that must have changed given our interaction today. Perhaps with time, Mr. Casey accepted what happened and became infuriated. I am not sure. But there is not much of a happy ending regardless, I’m afraid.”

(The word echoed in his head again. _Afraid._ )

“Hi Afraid,” Patton suddenly blurted out. “I’m Patton.”

A pause. 

Logan opened his eyes to look at Patton and, to his own surprise, laughed. He wasn’t sure if they were both too intoxicated to make much sense; or if Patton, in his inebriated state, suddenly understood him so much more clearly.

“Yes, it would appear so that I am.” He lowered his head to rest lightly on Patton’s, which was now softly tucked between his head and his shoulder. “I suppose I haven’t been doing a good job concealing it, huh?”

“You just say it a lot,” Patton said lightly. He paused, and Logan could feel him scrunch up for a bit before asking, “What are you afraid of?” 

Logan inhaled deeply. The question had never felt so daunting. 

“I’m afraid of dying,” he finally admitted. “I know I am a Doctor and I can never die. But it’s the only phenomenon I don’t know. And similar to my mother, I threw my life away so I could maybe figure it out, but I couldn’t.”

He stared up at the sky above them.

“It’s a very human thing to live in fear,” Logan hummed. “And I have been so busy trying to figure out how to eradicate that fear that I’m afraid I lost my chance at...at _life._ ”

Logan laughed quietly, though it was now stained with a choked sob.

“You can’t take death out of humanity; it’s part of being alive”, Patton said, lifting his head to look at Logan as he spoke. “None of this would have ever happened without it.”

Patton then giggled quietly. Logan frowned. For a split second, it almost felt like he was laughing at _him_ ; at how he cried for mourning the life he killed.

But Patton simply sat up and raised his glass to Logan.

“So, to death!”

A pause. 

Logan broke into more tearful laughter. He clinked his beer bottle against Patton’s and took a sip. 

The two sat back, falling quiet for what seemed like hours as they stared at the endless amount of stars; which were slowly fading out as the late night became an early day. 

“You know,” Patton said quietly as the navy blue sky began to warm up, “I don’t think your mum was running away from anything.”

“Yeah?” 

“I think she was just taking a trip,” Patton murmured, finally reaching over to intertwine his finger’s with Logan’s, “and she took her humanity back with her.”

Logan’s breath hitched at how _warm_ the thought was.

Logan then squeezed Patton’s hand softly,   
and hoped a little more.

-

“Hey Logan?”

“Mhm?” 

“You said humans can’t see all the colours of a sunset, right?”

“You are correct.”

“Does that mean that when we die, we’ll be able to see everything we’ve been missing out on?”

“...I suppose we’ll just have to wait and find out.”


	7. Prologue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> feat. one more chat about sunsets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter warnings: talks about life/death, implied main character death (upcoming, never occurring directly in the story),

Despite protests that he “didn’t drive enough”, Logan reassured Patton that yes, he’d be fine to drive the rest of the way home. 

“It is my car, after all,” he had told him. 

“Yeah, but you have to _sleeeeeep_.”

“Neither of us have gotten much sleep,” he replied, “but only one of us would be able to function despite that fact.”

And Logan was right, of course. Soon enough, the pencil fell out of Patton’s hand and onto the car floor as he dozed off. 

The rest of the drive was rather quiet, the events of the previous night still settling in. Despite his best efforts, Logan couldn’t figure out a way to get Patton’s words out of his head. 

_“Took her humanity back with her.”_

For someone whose appeals involved unicorn frappuccinos and endless amounts of cotton candy, Patton was so painfully wise. 

Logan found himself humming quietly to himself as the sun chased after them. Given their early start, he predicted that they would arrive back at Patton’s place by the early evening.

He took the time to think over _everything,_ all in a figurative new light. He thought about how he met Patton; how he was compelled to get to know him from the moment he laid eyes on him. He thought about his mother and the Clinic (not many thoughts occurred without considering them), and he thought about where he was today.

Then, he looked over at Patton; who was still sleeping, his notebook hardly staying put on his lap.

In four days, Patton was going to die. 

And Logan?

...He didn’t know where he’d be.

(Something in his chest ached with such longing at the thought.)

Every now and then, Patton would stir and write a few more things in his notebook; always sneaking glances between Logan and the view outside his window. It took a few repeats of that before Patton was much more alert and engaged into more of a conversation. 

“The sky’s so gorgeous today,” Patton murmured, sticking his head out of his open window like a small puppy. Logan smiled.

“It truly is.”

“Like it doesn’t just look... _blue_ ,” Patton continued excitedly. “There’s white, fluffy clouds! There’s hints of purple right underneath the surface and– and there’s _dark_ blue!”

“It is quite commendable that you are able to identify different colours in what others would perceive to be a fairly monochrome sky.”

Patton stuck his head back into the car and grinned at him. “Just practicing!”

At some point, they stop for lunch at the same 50’s diner they went to at the beginning of their trip. Patton even ordered the same dish, which sparked a lighthearted conversation of its own. 

In between the gaps of silence they inevitably ran into during their meal, Logan would quietly observe Patton write some more in his notebook. He smiled to himself as Patton scarfed up his food just to write with little to no interruption, humming what sounded like chords, as if trying to tune himself. 

When Logan commented on Patton’s newfound urgency to write, Patton simply said, “I can’t help it! I’m _inspired_ – and inspiration waits for no one!”

Of course, Patton happily put down his pencil when Logan offered his hand out to him for one more dance.

During the final hour of their trip, Patton finally closed his notebook and turned his head to face Logan. 

“Can I ask you a kinda...dark question? You’re free to say no.” 

Logan nodded. “Go ahead.”

“...How do you think you’re going to die?”

A beat of silence. He wasn’t shocked, just stunned. Usually, Patton would dance around the subject so delicately. He wasn’t quite sure what changed. 

“I...I’m not sure,” he finally answered. “As you said before, there’s really only one way out for me, is there not?”

“Ah. Right.” Patton’s voice was suddenly meek and quiet. Perhaps not much has changed, Logan noticed. 

“Okay okay, new question.”

“Mhm.”

“Say the Clinic didn’t exist–”

Logan scoffed. 

“No no, please hear me out,” Patton insisted. Logan just nodded with a small smile. “Say this– this _entire_ system didn’t exist, and we just...didn’t know what was going to happen to us. We would live a long, full life to do whatever and die...well, whenever. How do you think you would _live?”_

A pause. 

“I’d be a teacher,” Logan said with a small, thoughtful smile. “I’ve always wanted to be a teacher anyway; my interest in the occupation was not completely fabricated.”

Patton grinned at him. “That’s really cute.”

“Perhaps I would also get a cat,” he continued. “I never had the time to care for one, so perhaps this life would allow for some...accomodation.”

“Awww, that sounds _purr_ fect!” 

Logan chuckled. 

“I suppose, hence, if I were to live such a peaceful life,” Logan concluded, “I feel as though I would want to die in the same way. No disease, no pain. Ideally, it would happen in my sleep. That way, I would never know. I would just be at peace.”

“Oh, _Logan_.” His name sounded so soft coming from him. It made Logan smile. “It’s what you deserve.”

“How about you, Patton?” he hummed. “How would you live?”

Patton scrunched his face up in thought. 

“I...I always thought that if someone would ask me this, I would just want to live in any way that _wasn’t_ my life; all the good parts, none of the bad.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he murmured. “But…but now, I don’t think I would change a thing.”

His hand found Logan’s on the gear shift. 

“I would want to be happy and satisfied, surrounded by the people I love,” he said, “and then, I’d close my eyes.”

Logan looked at Patton– _really_ looked at him. 

And hidden behind Patton’s irses were _fireworks;_

quietly going off in small sparks. 

“...It sounds like a beautiful way to go.”

Patton smiled. “I look forward to it.”

“Is there something wrong with your ukulele?”

“Oh! No no, I’m just tuning it. I...I have to record something quickly.”

“Ah, I see.”

“Is that okay? I can just wait ‘till I get home, maybe sing you something else if you want.”

“...Surprise me.”

\- 

When Patton ended the recording of his last song, 

Logan took a slow, deep breath–  
one he felt like he was holding all his life–

and broke down into sobs.

(He was ready.)

* * *

Logan held Patton’s bag in one hand,  
and held Patton in the other. 

“Well,” Patton giggled, “this is me.”

“I mean, it is a house; it is not you.” 

Patton just giggled even more as Logan handed his bags to him. 

“Are you sure you do not want me to drop you off at your mother’s?”

“It’s okay!” Patton chirped. “I’m just here to pack up some of my stuff before anyone comes to collect ‘em. Plus, I think I’m going to stay at my mum’s for the next few days. She probably needs help with the twins more than ever, heh.”

“Ah, I see.”

“Besides,” Patton continued, “my place is on the way to the Clinic. It’ll be easier for you to get there; I know you said there was some stuff you had to take back with you.” 

“Mhm.” Logan averted his glance down at the ground. Hesitance began to creep back in, but he did his best to let the feeling settle.

“You’ll be okay going back?” Patton asked quietly. 

A beat of silence. 

“I don’t know,” he replied, finally more human than not. “But that’s okay.” 

Patton smiled. Logan suddenly caught a glimpse of something behind Patton’s shoulder and his eyes widened.

He then closed his trunk and motioned Patton to follow him, going over to the front of the car and leaning against the hood. Patton trailed behind him, still holding his hand. He set his bags down at his feet as he leaned back against the car as well. 

“ _Wow,_ ” Patton breathed out.

Logan nodded as they both looked up at the sky. “I dare say it is prettier than the one we encountered when we began.”

“Yeah,” Patton murmured with a small smile. “It’s _beautiful._ ”

They sat in silence, tilting their heads up towards the mix of colours above them. Logan did his best to look– _really look_ – at the sight. 

He noticed how the clouds were illuminated with pink, orange, and yellow highlights; and surrounding them was a swirl of purple and blue. It almost looked like the sun was setting the sky on fire.

A cool breeze rushed past him, but he felt the warmth of it all from where he was standing. 

It was like he could see _everything._

And when he looked over at Patton,   
he saw that his eyes were closed. 

“Thank you for the adventure, Logan,” Patton whispered, gently squeezing Logan’s hand. “Thank you for giving me _time._ ”

Logan’s breath hitched, but his surprise soon gave way to a smile. His thumb brushed against Patton’s hand. 

“Thank you for understanding me more than I ever could have,” he murmured. “And thank you for being my friend.”

“...Your _best_ friend.” 

“Do not make me regret assigning you this role.” 

Patton laughed, letting go of his hand and turning to face him. 

And then, Patton gave him a hug. 

“I’ll see you soon, I’m sure of it,” Logan heard him say in his shoulder. “ _I wish you the best with the time you have left.”_

-

Before Logan started driving, he received a text from Patton. 

_Patton | Today | 8:13 pm_

_ <3 _

**_Found attachment(s)_ ** _: new recording.mp3_

A smile grew on his face as Patton’s voice soon surrounded him. It was as if he never left. 

Logan took a deep breath. Thoughts of the Clinic swarmed his head, and the memory of watching his mother drive away from him towards another life clouded his vision.

He lifted his head up and slowly started the car, his stare fixed ahead of him.

And then, he drove away from Patton _–_ _  
__away from it all–_

going towards the sunset instead.

* * *

_alone with you,_   
_watchin' the sun fall down._   
  
_i’ll cry with you,_   
_come home with me safe and sound._   
  
_and whether or not i deserve it_   
_i guess i’ll never know._   
  
_but maybe we’ll see some new colours_   
_on the other side of the road._

_~[sunset (the other side of the road) - demo](https://drive.google.com/file/d/1eZKZ7_aDxf6yQTXesyQ8FQ1f8lETpZDY/view?usp=sharing) | uploaded by pattonmsings ~ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading. sending u love <3

**Author's Note:**

> comments/kudos/random letters/whatever are great! you can find me on my tumblr, @my-happy-little-bean :)


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